MEMORY LANE, NYC - As we eagerly await the last few days ‘til pitchers and catchers report, we also wonder what the new NY baseball stadiums will look like. We know we’re going to get gouged with brand new prices too, but at least the facilities will be brand new…. Right??  And when we first enter the new CitiField (aka The Shake Shack, The SHEAkE Down) or Yankee Stadium (insert anti-Yankee name here… it’s not my job to find one), we might get whiplash at all the new crap in the new digs.  Unfortunately, we’ll likely see some old stuff that we just wish would go away.   10) Foam Fingers: Every sport and team has them. The big, foam ‘#1’ finger. Really… who is this inspiring? Is David Wright swinging for the fences because he saw a ten-year old sporting one?  And how much do these things of ridiculousness cost anyway?  The only finger that should have an oversized replica made of foam is the middle one.  We could all use that in and out of the stadium.. say in the car, on line at the bank, parking lots, waiting for the cable guy. The possibilities are endless. It’s money well spent.   9) Dippin’ Dots: I first saw these at Shea Stadium. What the hell are these made of?  They’re rabbit pellets of ice cream served in a replica batting helmet bowl. How do they make ice cream into pellets that don’t melt anyway? Extremely unappetizing and anyone over ten who gets one should be shot.   8) The Wave: It’s dumb.  Unless it’s extremely humid at the ballyard and you need to get up momentarily to unglue your pants from the back of your legs, there is no reason for any up-down motion that resembles the wave. Sit the heck down.  7) The NY Mets Home Run Top Hat: I love this thing.. but if they don’t give it at least a minor facelift with some fresh paint… I don’t want to see it. And the Mets better not cry poverty on not being able to fund a refresh of it.  I’m sure a few hundred of those Citi stickers on the stadium seats could have paid for it.  6) The NYY YMCA Grounds Crew: Honest Yankee fan that I am.. it sucks. It’s embarrassing. Get rid of it before a sniper takes them out.  While we’re on it, someone also tell Cotton Eye Joe and his in-bred offspring Cotton Eye Joey to take a big, dirt nap.   5) ATM’s at the Stadium: How much could the additional fees be? $5? There’s no excuse for getting gouged for these fees at the stadium. Did you not know where you were going? Did you think you were going to pay for that beer in your seat with a credit card?? On second thought… keep ‘em. I’d love to see who the brain trust is that’s using them.   4) The Mets T-Shirt Rocket Launcher People: The inclusion of Mr. Met in this thing is the only thing that makes it redeeming. None of us need another promo t-shirt. (I’ve got enough gym shirts.. thanks.) Unless, of course, it’s a brand-new Meet The Matts T-Shirt… boosting the deafening marketing buzz on the spanky new website. (Wait.. that hasn’t happened yet. Matts… as PP said.. put down the nachos. Two words: advertising and marketing. Call me.)   3) Marriage Proposals on the Jumbotron:  Nothing says ‘The dude I am with is a tool,’ like getting proposed to at a sports stadium on the jumbotron.  Then again, nothing says ‘I’m a moron,’ like saying yes to that marriage proposal.   2) Scalpers: With the prices being what they are, how can anyone in their right mind think they are going to make a margin on the tickets? Well.. there’s always the out of town idiots I guess.   1) People Who Don’t Tip the Beer Vendors: Sure. We’re all pissed off at the high price of suds at the stadium. And they’re only going to get higher.  But honestly, the guy carrying the 50 lb. cooler on his head up and down steps just so you can have a cold one deserves a tip.  I’ve been at games where money is passed down the aisle across ten people to the beer guy.. only for the knob customer to wait and have all ten people pass his 50 cents back across to him.  Give the guy a break.. and a tip. The dollar won’t kill you.   (Randomly recent side notes: Breaking Barry News.  Barry Bonds tested positive for steroids… FOUR TIMES!! He goes to trial next month. And, Barry Zito has been seen canoodling with Paris Hilton. He’ll be taking a shot of penicillin next month.) Practice deep breathing now kids.  Maybe someone can think of a few things that will be the bright side of the new stadiums. Urinal cakes don’t count either. And I’m outta here with some randomly recent side notes: Breaking Barry News.  Barry Bonds tested positive for steroids… FOUR TIMES!! He goes to trial next month. And, Barry Zito has been seen canoodling with Paris Hilton. He’ll be taking a shot of penicillin next month. Â
