NEW YORK, NY—Now, more than ever, it seems like there is really no such thing as a free lunch. Everyone is out there just grabbing up what they can and holding on for dear life to what they already have. Instead of opening up to one another and lending a helping hand we seem to be withdrawing and suffering in silence. Well, we here at Angry Ward Wednesday are here to help. Today’s column will offer free guidance and advice to just a handful of the troubled souls out there. OK, let’s get right into it.
• Dear Angry Ward,
I’m a pretty decent left-handed pitcher who is just about to go back to work. The thing is, my elbow is killing me. My team needs me but I am worried about a possible long-term injury. What should I do?
Signed,
Phrantic in Philly
A: Dear Phrantic, Best thing you can do is take the year off and give your elbow some much-needed rest. While you’re at it you may want to give your mouth a rest as well.
• Dear AW,
I was recently bilked out of millions by ponzi scheme and am now starting over again from scratch. Can you direct me to any safe investments out there?
Signed,
Burned by Bernie
A: Dear BBB, Glad you asked. Get into an NCAA March Madness Bracket pool asap. It’s the least risky proposition out there right now.
• Dear Mr. Angry,
I’m a swinging single who recently relocated to New York. I thought there would be no shortage of sexually adventurous types such as myself here, but so far it’s been the same old boring bar scene I’ve seen in every other town. Where can a guy find some action?
Signed,
Bored in the Big Apple
A: Dear Bored, You can contact Randy Levine through the New York Yankees or at meetthematts.com.
• Dear Angry W,
My football team recently got a new coach and one of the first things he did was try to trade me. Now I hate his guts and actually want him to trade me. He seems reticent. How can I make this happen?
Signed,
Dr. Jay
A: Dear Dr. Jay, Sleep with his wife.
• Dear Angry Wardster,
How do I know when it’s love?
Signed,
Hagar the Horrible
A: Dear Hagar: I can’t tell you, but it lasts forever.
• Dear AW:
I’ve got major problems. I recently took over my Dad’s business with my brother. This winter we invested a boatload of money in some new employees, one’s a fat guy, another is injury prone, and the third one hasn’t proven he can perform under pressure. On top of this, we’ve got a prima donna with a bum hip on disability, several other longtime employees who are coasting on reputation, and the guy who locks up every night is getting a little long in the tooth. If this ain’t bad enough I have a two-pack-a-day cigarette habit and my blood pressure is through the roof. Any advice?
Signed,
Yankee Doodle Dandy
A: Dear Yankee Doodle. I’d make it three packs a day if I were you.
OK, that’s all we have time for this week. But seriously folks, if you have a question you’d like to have answered by Angry Ward in a future post, please send your queries to askangryward@gmail.com. Please sign your questions with some sort of pseudonym, all others will be signed “Anonymous” so as to protect your identities. Until then, this is Angry Ward wishing you box seats and sunshine for that game we call mental health.
