NEW MATT CITY, NY – With the fickle DOW teasing us at every FIAT/CHRYSLER/PICKENS/CITI rumor and job security a bigger joke than Gary Sheffield’s willingness to be a full-time part-timer, it’s time we took Matt-ers into our own hands and gave you all some hope: A chance to once again hold your heads high with pride and independence – while adding some more write-offs to our not-yet-filed taxes. How!? By offering the chance of a lifetime, that’s how! You ready? Brace yourself. Here goes… We need more Matts! You could BE A MATT! Yes, you Tiny Tommy. You read it right, Young Yolinda. You’re prayers have been answered!
Sure, achieving the American Dream with a Dream Job sounds too good to be true. We understand. It’s kind of like Abbot & Costello showing up at your door and saying,
“We’re doing this bit about baseball and really need a third to make it work. We want you.”
Yet, it’s not a dream. No. You can be a Matt. You can fulfill your dreams of dressing extravagantly, traveling world-wide, rubbing elbows with A-Listers and prevaricating while on the record!
Imagine, if you will, a knock on the door. After all, opportunity knocks, doesn’t it? Anyway, you go to the door, take a deep breath and open it. You can’t believe your eyes. Could it be true?! Can this be?! Are you really awake or is this some cruel, goading dream?! But then your stunned, disbelieving silence is joyously interrupted with,
“Suit delivery for you. Blue. Orange. White. Red. Yellow… Sign here, please.”
That could be you, friend. You could be getting that wardrobe delivery. You could fulfill your dreams.
Okay, so you have some questions: Are there qualifications? How much does it cost? What will I be required to do? Well, here are the answers:
You must be willing to audition. We’ve had some lame Matts.
You must be willing to shave your head or look ridiculous with a skull cap on.
You must be willing to travel.
You must be willing to look silly in public places.
You must be willing to ask “different” kinds of questions.
You must be willing to do whatever it takes in the name of sports comedy.
You must be willing to challenge potentially hostile subjects.
AND FINALLY:
You must be willing to defer your salary until salaries are there to be had.
There. The gauntlet has been laid. The challenge has been put forth. Our latest video may possibly help you with this final question:
“Do you, or someone you know, male of female, have what it takes to be a Matt???“
Wait, there’s a knock on the door…
Cookie’s Corner tomorrow.
