by West Coast Craig
TAMPA, FL – Hi, West Coast Craig here for www.MeettheMatts.com, the easy way to spend ten minutes of your valuable browsing time each morning! Why spend millions on products that don’t work? The Yankees learned that the hard way with Carl Pavano! Here at MeetTheMatts.com, we like to stay current. Had enough of last week’s late celebrities? We’ll start off this week with the great pitchman Billy Mays! The blue shirted Billy may be gone, but the products live on! This week in sports, we just may be able to find a million uses for them!
What Odor?: The smell of the new toilets at Citifield? The bats in the Mets’ suddenly anemic line-up? Dan Murphy’s iron skillet at first base? Three runs on nine hits over a three game series? Spray on a little of this stuff, take a deep breath, and exclaim What Odor?!
Amazing!
Zorbeez: If you’ve got a real mess and want to clean like the pros, then use Zorbeez! It has the strength and muscle to clean up coffee, soda, wine stains, and two nil deficits. The Pros from Brazil use it, and they wiped the pitch with the Americans in the second half of the Confederations Cup Finals. Team USA looked like the pros in the first half, but soon tore like wet paper towels. Hopefully they can upgrade to Zorbeez themselves by the time they head down to Mexico City next month.
Call Now, and I’ll triple the offer!
OxyClean: With the power of oranges, like what should be the secondary color of the Mets’ uniforms. With the power of OxyClean, Carlos Beltran could slide all day and night and never worry about getting out those pesky dirt stains!
Act now, and we’ll throw in this travel size bottle at no extra cost! A $14.95 value!
Mighty Putty: Not a super-powered epoxy, but the new name for Kenny Perry’s putter after shooting an excellent 63 in the final round of the Traveler’s Championship yesterday.
A $120 value for only $19.99!
Flies Away: The secret is the lobster trap design! We could pick on poor Dan Murphy again, or one-handed specialist Luis Castillo, but the fielder who might get the most use out of this is Yankee Nick Swisher, patrolling jet-stream alley in right field at the New Yankee Workshop. Just think of the hundreds of flies he’d catch with one of these!
Call in the next ten minutes and I’ll add Gem-it, adds bling to anything!
What would happen if you combined a cheese grater with a plate? You’d get a Grater Plater: Or as T-Rex O’Rourke would call it: John Sterling! The perfect combination of cheese and grating, now in the form of home plate!
We’ll add a second one free…just pay separate shipping and handling.
Simonize Fix It!: Uh oh! DelGado goes down! Reyes is out! Beltran is a scratch! And another…and another! Stop the scratches! Dings and nicks drive you crazy? Don’t get frustrated, get Fix It!, the fast action scratch remover from Simonize! Just apply it to the line-up card, use the power buffer to push Fix It!’s high tech formula deep into the pores of the paper. It’s that easy!
The secret is the fast-acting formula!
Quick Chop: The fastest, easiest, safest way to chop, mince, slice, or dice any vegetable or dreadlocked hair that hangs down so you can barely read “Ramirez†or “99†on the back of an Isotope or Inland Empire minor league jersey! Here’s how it works, just place the dreadlocks on a board and give a gentle tap, and you’ve got regulation length hair for your return to the Big Leagues later in the week!
And it’s machine washable!
Green Now!: Covering up brown spots on your lawn with just one spray, it also fertilizes to promote new growth. This could be just what the Matts themselves are looking for if they want to add some hair for special occasions like St. Patrick’s Day, Earth Day, or Shawn Green Bobblehead Day. It sprays green, and it stays green!
There you have it, any fan’s problem made a thing of the past through the wisdom of Billy Mays, and all for $19.99. But don’t take my word for it, watch this!
