Grote's Gripes: The Onion Edition

MADISON, WI – Here is the inaugural Meet The Matts NY Metro Onion Edition.


Oliver Perez visits Dr. Kevorkian

The Mets this morning confirmed they sent Oliver Perez to Dr. Kevorkian for a medical opinion. According to multiple sources the meeting went extremely well. When asked about potential participation getting him in hot water with the authorities, Kevorkian replied “technically this man has no brain function whatsoever, so in medical terms he is already brain dead. If my client decides on euthanasia they would be completely within their rights. In fact, it is the humane thing to do.” When asked for comment Mr. Perez stated “El Doctor de muerte says I can eat all the chimichangas I want this offseason.” Then Perez proceded to chant “Chimichangas, Chimichangas, Chimichangas” for a good minute or so.

In other Met medical news it was revealed that team physician Dr. David Altchek has no medical degree, rather having received an honorary doctorate from Queens Community College in 1977 for collecting the most signatures on the “Bella Abzug for Mayor” petition drive. Chief Operating Officer Jeff Wilpon seemed unfazed by this latest disclosure adding that “David was also the architect for Citi Field.”

Mets Unveil All Ivy Uniforms at Wrigley

Expanding on their multitude of uniform combinations the Mets today will unveil uniforms made completely of Ivy. “At this point, we need every advantage we can get” exclaimed Met GM Omar Minaya. The uniforms were the brainchild of Met manager Jerry Manuel. “Yeah, hmmm, we kinda, used to, when were were kids, you know, cover ourselves completely with leaves in the park” confessed Manuel. “We would just lie there for hours unbeknowed (sic) to all the people in the park, it was fun until a dog kinda did his business on my little brother. Still I think it is worth it. I don’t think any of the fans in the Wrigley Field bleachers would do that to Shef, and ifin they did we’d have to dress up like vendors on Sunday and beat the daylights outta dem chumps.”

For the record the Mets are 9-15 in their black tops and white pants, 16-20 in their all white tops and all white pants, 9-9 in their black tops and gray pants, 11-12 in gray tops and gray pants, 10-16 in white pinstriped tops and white pinstriped pants, 3-7 in Los Mets tops and white pants, 0-1 in black tops and no pants (also Jerry’s idea), 0-1 in no tops and white pants (Tony Bernazard’s idea).

YES Network Plans To Edit Yankee Playoff Losses

The Yankee Entertainment and Sports network has just announced they plan on releasing newly edited “Yankee Classics” because they seem to be running out of actual meaningful games in recent history to draw from. Club president Randy Levine says “we got tired of having to run replays of meaningless games from these past 8 seasons because Yankee fans are mostly spoiled brats who expect everything. The great part about this is Yankee fans want to believe that A Rod comes through in big games so we’ve edited game 7 of the 2004 League Championship series with an April 26th 2006 game in which Alex hits a game winning HR against the Red Sox. It is phenomenal what today’s technology can do.”

In a related programming note the YES network released 4 new Yankeeographies:

    Mickey, Whitey and the Hookers: Chronicles the wild orgies of the 50’s and 60’s. Narrated by Jerry Lumpe.

    Not in da Bronx: An uncompromising defense of the Yankees being one of the last teams to integrate black players, ahead of only the Red Sox, Phils and Tigers.

    Yankee Stadium Dirt: A tedious documentary about the suckers that are paying $200 an ounce for the dirt from old Yankee Stadium.

    YMCA: Details the nocturnal homoerotic adventures of the Yankee grounds crew. Also narrated by Jerry Lumpe.

Please let me know if you have any letters for this editor.

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