NEW YORK, NY – Let’s see, Short Matt’s back from Australia which means the texts and rambling voice mail messages will begin again in earnest; my landlords continue to be the biggest bunch of lying scumbags on the planet; and, while the Mets continue their agonizingly slow death, the Yankees look like world-beaters. Now seems like as good a time as any for some good old fashioned venting on anything and everything. Let’s just get right to it.
• Everyone please shut the f**k up with the f**kin’ Joba Rules already. As far as I’m concerned the only Joba Rule should be: Don’t drive drunk with a bottle of Crown Royal on the passenger-side seat, you moron. Otherwise, I don’t care if this guy pitches 6 innings or one inning or to one batter, just please stop talking about it.
• A note to anyone retiring or attempting to give a serious press conference at any point: Addressing the press standing in front of some Dunkin Donuts or Coors Light wallpaper really detracts from anything you are saying. I caught Bill Belichick getting all misty-eyed after Tedy Bruschi announced his retirement the other day and all I could think was: “Why is he so upset? Did they just announce that Dunkin Donuts is discontinuing their Watermelon Coolatas until next summer?â€
• Can we just surround Bristol Connecticut with razor wire, moats, and land mines so ESPN personalities can never escape? Seriously, just turn the whole town into some strange sports version of one of those odd Zion Ranch religious groups where the women all wear their hair like Mel Kiper.
• Holy God, is there a more horrible commercial on TV today than the new Pizza Hut spots featuring Jim Breuer using the annoying catch phrase “Jackpot†to describe just how much he loves the new pie with the ring of cheese around the crust? I thought Pizza Hut must have finally run out of new places to put more cheese by now, but with these terrible new commercials they have found a way to actually make it come oozing out of your television.
• Wait a minute, those Geico spots with the stack of money and the “Somebody’s Watching Me†playing in the background come pretty close.
• I wish there were a way to make sports stadiums and arenas cell phone dead zones. Think of how great that would be. Finally an end to the yokels standing up and waving on TV or the people who need to find their friends at the game and also stand up and start waving wildly while yelling inane things into their phone like “No! I’m to the left! The LEFT! The Left of the Subway ad. Yeah! I’m wearing my red Paisanos Pizza shirt. Yeah, and my black Mets cap. Yeah, it’s on backwards. You see? Haha! Awesome!â€
• Just another friendly reminder, if you’re the kind of person that doesn’t enjoy picking up dog crap then kindly don’t get a frogging dog.
• Hey, Brandon Marshall! Acting like a horse’s a** may get you out of Denver (cue the Bob Seger), but it sure as hell ain’t gonna get you a Larry Fitzgerald-like contract. That is, unless Omar Minaya becomes General Manager of the Redskins. Can you imagine Omar and Daniel Snyder working together? Scary.
• This one is strictly for residents of upper Manhattan but, I think there are like 10 different people running for soon-to-be-jailbird Miguel Martinez’s empty City Council seat and five of them are named Manny. Speaking of which, rolling up my block with a truck full of yahoos, blasting salsa music, yelling a candidate’s name while my kid is trying to sleep is not a good way to get my vote.
• You say you’re a fantasy football expert? Really? Can I please touch the hem of your Fantasy Football Wizard’s robe? Get a real job Bozo.
• In retrospect, the Mets building a new stadium that steered fans’ attention away from the field and towards other pursuits was a master stroke.
That’s all for this week. The Yankees are printing playoff tickets so I need to go projectile vomit.
