“Uh, Coach? The General Manager will see you now.”
BUFFALO, NY – Yesterday was black Monday in the NFL; the official start of the off-season for 18 teams. Those in the playoffs get an extra month or so, depending on performance, to make staff decisions. If you are the coach of any NFL team that underperformed, I recommend not making any additions to the home – unless you want to up its resale value. See, this is the time of year where lies, rumors and innuendo are more important than anything accomplished on the field because all GMs give their coaches the big thumbs-up, lulling Coach Goner into a false sense of security before going in for the kill. With that, I give the over/under on whether certain coaches will return next year.
AFC EAST
Buffalo Bills/Perry Fewell: Coach Fewell and his entire staff all got fired yesterday, making it two head coaches – Dick Jauron was let go earlier – in one year for the We’re Talkin’ Proud franchise. Yet, I can’t tell you wants to take the Bills gig. Buffalo is a worse place to be than Cleveland, believe me I use live in Ruff Buff. An obvious UNDER. Just don’t confuse poor Perry Fewell with Perry Farrell of Jane’s Addiction.
In Miami, there’s always a hot seat.
Miami Dolphins/Tony Sparano: He is Bill Parcells chosen one and he has done a good job with a diminished attack this year so he gets the OVER.
AFC NORTH
Cleveland Browns/Eric Mangini: As a Jet fan, I want to see him fail everywhere he goes. Plus his wannabe Da’ Hoodie without-the-rings act gets real tired, real fast. Mike Holmgren as the team Director will slap him back in line. He is just a seat-warmer despite the 4-game win streak. That, and Holmgren believes you need two to three years to judge a coach. – OVER… Just barely.
Pittsburgh Steelers/Mike Tomlin: The Rooneys are the most patient owners in all of sports. Bet the OVER with confidence.
AFC SOUTH
Houston Texans/Gary Kubiak: His seat is warm even though he lead his team to a winning season. The owner was looking for the playoffs last season as well as this one. – I would bet the OVER.
Jacksonville Jaguars/Jack Del Rio: The way they collapsed at the end of the season, it is time for Del Rio to hit the old roadeo (I sucked in Spanish class so whatever, hombre). UNDER
Tennessee Titans/Jeff Fisher: Longest Tenured coach stays. The owner loves him – for the most part. They got Vince Young back and they came back from 0-6 to finish 8-8 so Captain Mustache lasts another year. OVER
AFC WEST
Denver Broncos/Josh McDaniels: The feisty first-year coach sprinted to 6-0 and collapsed to 8-8 and out the playoffs. Throw in the Jay Cutler Trade and the disgruntled Brandon Marshall. If the owner was gonna stop backing him, it would have happened a long time ago. OVER.
Kansas City Chiefs/Todd Haley: Another rookie coach with a really crap team. Haley’s chances of succeeding were like a man with a knife arguing cards with Gilbert Arenas. OVER
Oakland Raiders/Tom Cable: He coached the hell out of this team but he betrayed the Dark Lord Sith and questioned whether “Off da Marc-us Russell was pro quarterback material. UNDER – cause you never question the Dark Lord.
NFC
NFC EAST
New York Giants/Tom Coughlin: He will stay cause the Maras are a loyally patient family. Defensive Coordinator Bill Sheridan is getting the axe, though. OVER
Washington Redskins/Jim Zorn: Like Perry Fewell, the poor guy was gone before I even began to type this article. Just ask John Riggins.
NFC NORTH
Chicago Bears/Lovie Smith: Disappointing Season for Da’ Bears but Lovie will stay around at least one more year. OVER
Detroit Lions/Jim Schwartz: The Lions suck and we all know it. This is the first year in the post-Millen era so Schwartz will get another year. OVER
NFC SOUTH
Atlanta Falcons/Mike Smith: Smith will stay since Matt Ryan and Turner got banged up toward the end of the season. OVER
Carolina Panthers/John Fox: He has gone the Jack Del Rio route. This is what he gets for trusting the Cajun Delhomme. Now he is out of his home. Pretty Hot. UNDER
Tampa Bay Buccaneers/Raheem Morris: Two wins this season was very poor. With the Glazers as owners (yes, the same ones the fired Tony Dungy) you would think he would be on his way out. But I have my doubts that he can be gone after one season. Next year, though, he needs at least 6 wins to keep his job. Warm. OVER
NFC WEST
St. Louis Rams/Steve Spagnuolo: The team has the number one pick and Stevie Boy was so over-matched as the team was so poor in so many areas, that he will be given three years. Cold… OVER
San Francisco 49ers/Mike Singletary: Iron Mike is building something out west and I know he likes this kind of party.
Seattle Seahawks/Jim Mora Jr: Still working on this team, so I don’t think he will go anywhere just yet. But the clock is ticking on next season for him, too. Warm. OVER
There you go. Realtors be at the ready! A lot of futures lie in the draft. If the pick goes belly-up, start calling the moving company. First off the Board… To Grote2DMax’s Rams… A boy named Suh.
Angry Ward, tomorrow.
