by Dr. Diz
STOCK YARDS DISTRICT; FORT WORTH, TX – I showed Angry Wardâ€™s take on the Olympics to my runninâ€™ buddies Joe Larry, Mark, Los Vatos Joey, Neil and Mexican Jerril -names that have NOT been changed to protect the innocent. These sorry bastards havenâ€™t been innocent of anything since the original ass-spank.
Anyway, we were having a barroom Town Meeting, debating and solving the worldâ€™s problems, one bourbon rocks at a time. We didnâ€™t all agree on much â€˜cept for one thing; we’re not too big on these Olympics that they take to running every couple of years. And so we voted on events.
Larry Joe had just seen the article on Johnny Weir and his beef with PETA. Seems they are mad at the little fellafor wearing animal skins while he does his ice dancing routine. Well, Larry Joe put this up as Exhibit One of why the Olympics suck. The evidence was duly noted over Makerâ€™s and ice.
Passed: Those skating chicks have nice butts.
What, you thought we were gonna take a vote on ice dancing?
Mexican Jerril noted that the Winter Olympics didnâ€™t have any Mexicans. He’s like that. After being politely told by Larry that â€œMexico ainâ€™t got no friggin winter, ya dumb ass.â€ (NOTE: Some extremely foul and completely politically incorrect red-neck Joe Larry words are edited out).
We all felt sorry – not really – for Mex J after that and tried to figure out something we could add to the Olympics so that Mexicans could participate, too. Los Vatos Joey pointed out that Mexicans do rodeo. Since Americans and Canadians do rodeo, and Austrailians do rodeoâ€¦ Hey, we could have bull-riding! “It’s god-danged inner-national.” And? It’s done over the winter, so it fits! Geniuses, eh? (Put that in for you Canadians.)
Jerrill originally suggested bull-fighting, actually, but we all figured that the freaking earthy, crunchy, animal-lovin’, people-hatinâ€™ PETA jerks would be a pain in the butt to deal with, so we changed it to the riding version.
Another round, and Neil decided to change to vodka and tonics.
PASSED: The rodeo girls who run the flags out and barrel race have fine derriÃ¨res.
There was this dude at the our meeting giving away shots of tequila as a promotion for one of those chi-chi tequila brands. Awesome. That brought about – Another vote; That bull riding should be an Olympic sport. PASSED
The good thing about Curling is that it allows you to look in the mirror and say, â€œI am in better shape than an Olympic athleteâ€. Come on now, it looks like they stopped at olâ€™ Tim Hortonâ€™s for some donuts and coffee for training, eh. I mean anybody can do curling. Anybody…
PASSED: The curling women make Monika Lewinski look like a super model.
At this point, Los Vatos started shoveling at the gal bar-tending his drinks. More free shots.
PASSED: More shots. Shots are good and should be continued on a regular basis.
But back to talkin’ Olympics: Skiing is OK because there is a real winner and some pretty good wipe outs. And there’s pro hockey now, which is cool. But all the ice skating stuff in front of judges??? That ainâ€™t no sport. And curling is pathetic.
PASSED: The Olympics suck.
We concluded that Angry Ward’s right on and figured that heâ€™s a hell of a good guy. Hell, wish he was there with us. Letâ€™s drink to that.
P.s… Here’s a little piece of our night – it’s four minutes, but a classic Ray Wylie Hubbard tune. A good listen if ya got the time. Screw You, We’re From Texas.