“For all that I have done, I am so sorry.”
-Tiger Woods
GROUSE MOUNTAIN, CANADA – It’s somewhat ironic that the protagonists of this Saturday Morning Post are center stage, for various reasons, in their respective sports – Curling & Golf.
YOU: Matts, why did you put the word sports in italics?
US: Because, CookieSamClancyPfeffelGroteVinny, Curling and Golf
ARE NOT SPORTS.
That said, let’s get to John Shuster and Tiger Woods.
Bode Miller risks killing himself while John Shuster… squats.
JOHN SHUSTER: After forcing ourselves to watch significant portions of Curling, we had enough of hacking, biters and back ends to understand two fundamental things:
ONE: As stated above, Curling is NOT a sport. In fact, it’s downright ridiculous to have these bowlers on ice in Vancouver as anything but fans paying their way into events. That they are competing as Olympic Athletes, potentially being mentioned in the same breath as Ryan Miller, Shaun White, Seth Wescott, Bode Miller, Lindsey Vonn, Julia Mancuso and Johnny Spillane is just embarrassing.
So far, Julia Mancuso has 2 **silver medals in downhill racing & 2 bald stalkers.
TWO: John Shuster is the worst closer since Kyra Sedgwick and Armando Benitez. This guy would have Alec Baldwin cursing a blue streak in Glen Gary, Glenn Ross. He couldn’t close the deal in womens’ prison with a fist full of pardons. He is easily the worst American Olympian; we can’t call him an Olympic Athlete as he’s as much an athlete as a bowler. Moreover, his doppelganger from the cable commercials, Mike O’Malley, is a better athlete.
In fact, John Daly looks like John Elway next to The Shustermeister. Look, he’s probably a nice guy but Shuster and his sport need to disassociate themselves from the Olympics as quickly as possible. And since this alleged sport’s broadcasters insist on marketing Curling with baseball analogies, here’s baseball speak for what Shuster has done in Vancouver: Your team has a lead in the bottom of the 9th. Two outs, nobody on base and the pitcher is up with two strikes on him. The pitcher isn’t holding a bat. You then proceed to blow the game. Then you do the same thing IN THE NEXT THREE GAMES. Finally, your coach pulls the Captain’s “C” from your golf shirt – which is neatly tucked in the slacks that you play in – and your team wins its first match. You suck more than anybody could possibly suck in a non-sport… that sucks.
John Daly & Norwegian Olympic Curling Team.
No further questions, Your Honor.
TIGER WOODS: We watched Tiger’s nonsense yesterday and as seasoned on-camera, behind-the-scenes professionals, we can assure you that Tiger’s act was completely scripted and rehearsed. We would bet our souls – and the two nickles we have combined – that his prepared statement had parentheticals telling him what to do and when. In other words, he had scripted direction in parenthesis telling him when to stumble, when to look up and pause and when to quiver his chin. Bad actors know other bad actors. Take it from us – HE IS A FRAUD. But should we care? No. Should he be allowed to golf? Of course. And his darling Elin should want him golfing again. In fact, she should want him golfing 24/7. That way, he’s visible and working off all that pent-up sexual tension. Wait, he’d need an actual sport to do that…
That’s all for today, the inimitable Rex O’Rourke, tomorrow.
**Thanks to jgclancy for pointing out our typpo.
