JOHN VARTAVOS STORE, NYC – Apologies in advance for this column. Despite a VERY mild winter (which makes me VERY happy), this whole week has left me feeling quite down and quite frankly like the soul has been sucked outta me. So many horrid things came to light that showed the soul is getting sucked out of all things…RIGHT BEFORE OUR VERY EYES. Let me get it off my not-so-ample chest please:
No More Celebrating: Apologies again, this time for re-running info from Angry Ward’s spectacular column from Wednesday about the closing of the Holiday Cocktail Lounge on St. Marks Place. I can not relay how sad and outraged I am about this. First off, between this place and Danceteria, the bulk of my under-aged….um…. cultivating of taste for the clear spirits was done. The third hole, CBGB’s is now a John Vartavos store, featuring over-priced men’s clothing that Jon Bon Jovi models. Yes. I am very tempted to take a piss underneath a rack of $500 t-shirts. Get the MTM Holiday Party going and it could happen.
Prayers for Pretty Boy: Apparently, someone thought the God/Football angle was a good one to continue working. Tom Brady’s homewrecker wife saw fit to email “close” family and friends for “prayers and good thoughts” for Tom for the Super Bowl Big Game. She noted that he “worked very hard” to get to the Super Bowl Big Game, but made no mention of Bill Belichick’s penchant for sneaky video or the fat guys on the O-Line who save Tom’s bones from being pulverized to dust.
The Soul Train Stops Here: This Tuesday, Soul Train legend Don Cornelius died at the age of seventy-five from a self-inflicted gunshot wound. In addition to filling young boys’ heads with pictures of fine cabooses, Don’s Soul Train made it so everyone could feel like a Solid Gold Dancer anywhere at anytime. Simply make two lines and get people dancing down the middle. Instant super star status. Don.. we will miss you.
Report… Eventually: T-Minus seventeen days until Pitchers and Catchers report. This is taking WAY too f*ckin’ long. On the upside… Rangers are still atop the NHL’s Eastern Conference. Can I get an AMEN Different Matt & Johnny Rox?!?
Stupid Bowl: The Stupid Bowl is Sunday and yet there is PUH-LENTY talk about…what? The Puppy Bowl, The Bud Bowl (maybe), the stupid Kia ad with Matthew Broderick in a Ferris Bueller’s Day Off’ Redux, and most likely some more played out Go Daddy ads. And what of the game? Go Giants. I say… Go CRUZ. There’s really nothing else to get excited about. Oh, wait…here’s a gummy bear. It’s been in my pocket awhile. It’s nice and warm…
CUE MUSIC!: Stupid Bowl Halftime Show… right?!?!? Madonna is up this year and everyone is having a little prayer that SHE does not have a wardrobe malfunction. Yes, I’m using that time to catch up on my bathroom reading just like I do every Stupid Bowl Halftime Show. I just don’t have the stomach for buffalo wings AND watching the likes of Roger Daltry or Mick Jagger nearly bust a hip during a lame halftime show.
That’s it. I’m over it. Get me to Monday and get Short Matt over the fact that I’m over my word count with this piece of drek. Thanks for hanging in there with me. I promise to get myself on some happy pills soon. Come back tomorrow for a Super Happy Big Happy guy, The Public Professor.
