MEDINAH, IL – The greatest of all biennial sporting events, the Ryder Cup, begins this Friday. The best golfers in the United States face off against the best golfers in Europe. This year is the 39th Ryder Cup but originally the contest was between the U.S. and England. In 1979 the English side expanded to include all of Europe and since that time the Americans hold a slim 8-7-1 edge. There are individual matches as well as pairs. The contests are broken down into categories that seem like they were taken straight out of The Dating Game.
Foursomes: Each side has two golfers who take alternate shots throughout the match, playing one ball. The lowest score per hole wins a point and each team earns a half point for a tie.
Dating Game Question: Bachelor #1, have you ever been in a foursome?
Answer: Let’s just say I’m better at foreplay than foursomes.
Fourball: Each side has two golfers playing their own ball and only the lowest score from each side is used. The lowest score per hole wins a point and each team earns a half point for a tie.
Dating Game Question: Bachelorette #2, have you ever played fourball?
Answer: Bring one of your buddies over and you’ll find out.
Singles: Individual matches between two golfers with each golfer getting a point for each hole they win and a half point for each hole they tie.
Dating Game Question: Bachelor #3, why are you still single?
Answer:I’m not, but don’t worry my wife never watches this show.
Now that you know the rules, here are the lineups for each squad:
EUROPE:
Jose Maria Olazabal – Captain: Don’t let the middle name fool you, he is a Mary.
Nicolas Colsaerts: First Belgian ever on a Ryder Cup team. They are really scraping the bottom of the barrel now.
Luke Donald: The Englishman is a solid 8-2-1 over 4 appearances.
Sergio Garcia: El Nino lives for the Ryder Cup with an astounding 14-6-4 record.
Peter Hanson: Little known Hanson brother puts on the foil while on the tee.
Martin Kaymer: What would a European team be without at least one member of the Aryan race.
Paul Lawrie: And what would a European team be without a cheap Scotsman on the team.
Graeme McDowell: One of two Ulster men on the squad. Did I mention that Ulster champions, Donegal, won the All-Ireland Football final Sunday. Damn right they did. Up Donegal.
Rory McIlroy: The other Ulster man on the Euro team is the best golfer on the planet and will hand Tiger his lunch once again. Go Rory.
Francesco Molinari: He hits one spicy meatball.
Ian Poulter: Sounds and looks like a pompous ass but is 8-3-0 lifetime in the Ryder Cup.
Justin Rose: Plays for England though born in South Africa.
Lee Westwood:The Englishman is unquestioned leader of the Euro team. Like Sergio he thrives at the Ryder Cup.
UNITED STATES
Davis Love III: Because Robert Griffin III was already busy.
Keegan Bradley: One of four rookies on the team.
Jason Dufner: Overcame great odds to be a pro golfer with the name Dufner.
Jim Furyk: Owner of an atrocious 8-15-4 record in seven previous Ryder Cups.
Dustin Johnson: Unfortunately I know a bit about having a Dusty Johnson.
Zach Johnson: It’s nice to have two big swinging Johnson’s on your side.
Matt Kuchar: Will probably be known as Doormatt Kuchar after he fails to get a point in this year’s Ryder Cup.
Phil Mickelson: Needs to improve on his 11-17-6 Cup record or be labeled biggest Ryder choker ever.
Webb Simpson: Hoping his U.S. Open victory this year wasn’t a fluke. D’oh!
Brandt Snedeker: Don’t snicker about this guys game, he was third on the money list with just under $5 million on the year.
Steve Stricker: Cries more than House Speaker Boehner. Win or lose he will cry. You just watch.
Bubba Watson: I always root for this Mets fan from Georgia. Will crush the European’s this year.
Tiger Woods: Amazing that Tiger has a losing record at 13-14-2 in 7 prior Ryder Cups.
Stay tuned tomorrow for a man whose cup runneth over, Angry Ward.
