New York, NY – Start spreadin’ the news and open up that golden gate because here we go for like the millionth time with another New York/Los Angeles showdown. Starting this Friday the Mets and Dodgers start duking it out at Chavez Ravine for what will ultimately be the right to face, and lose to, a team (hopefully not the Cardinals) from the NL Central in the NLCS. Baseball aside, Big Applers and Angelinos have been engaging in one-upmanship for so long that it’s gone far past tired cliche. I’m not saying “it’s so out, it’s in.” But, then again, maybe I am. Let’s do this.
Escape from New York vs. Escape from L.A. C’mon I had to start out with an easy one for the home team. Snake Plissken without Adrienne Barbeau and Ernest Borgnine? Let’s just say that Los Angeles sequel never happened. Edge: NY
Best Tourist Attraction: Tit Painting vs Caitlyn Jenner Tipping. It’s a close one, but paying to watch tits get painted in Times Square isn’t quite as much fun as knocking Caitlyn Jenner off her high heels on Rodeo Drive. Edge: LA
Best Hot Dogs. This one seems like a walk for New York. I’ve had Pink’s so don’t even try to tell me I don’t know what I’m missing. I’d take an Original Nathan’s on Surf Ave over Pink’s any day. I’d also argue that Gray’s Papaya and Crif Dogs (a personal fave) in the East Village are also better. But… I still have yet to sample the killer street cart bacon-wrapped dogs that our own West Coast Craig has waxed so eloquently about. So, the verdict is kinda still out. But, for now… Edge: NY
Best Base Stealer: Maury Wills vs. Craig Coakley. Sure Wills was one of the most prolific base stealers in the history of the game. And, sure, he has 585 more steals than the little-known Coakley. But ya gotta at least give the guys some style points for his single swipe in May 2009. Still… Edge: LA
Short Matt Status. You may be too young to remember this, or perhaps you went the Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind route and had it erased from your brain altogether, but for one brief shining moment our own Short Matt called Los Angeles home. If memory serves it was a time of great prosperity in New York with pitch-perfect weather, low crime, and almost zero annoying people wearing loud blazers. LA, on the other hand, almost burned to the ground and/or tumbled into the sea on a daily basis and Hollywood came thisclose to calling it quits until he left town. Alas, he’s back on the East Coast maybe for good. Big Edge: LA
…And the Rest. Biggest Fur-bearing Menace. King Kong by an eyelash over Nick Nolte. Edge: NY. Most Iconic Sign. “Hollywood” over “Toilet for Customers Only!” Edge: LA. Greatest Living Treasure. Don Rickles. Don was born in Queens and lives in LA. Edge: Even. Mets vs. Dodgers. I have to give the Mets a slight edge in this one, mostly because they are the more interesting car wreck to slow down to survey. Both teams have some great starting pitching and incredibly inconsistent offenses. But the Mets have a veritable bottomless freakshow to trot out on any given night. Matt Harvey not showing for practice? Wilmer Flores bursting into tears? Hansel Robles doing his Jekyll and Hyde routine? Bartolo Colon doing just about anything? C’mon, for your baseball entertainment dollar you gotta want the Mets to advance.
And on that I’m advancing on outta here. Come back tomorrow for a full Yankees/Astros recap from someone. I don’t have the time and I do need a drink. See ya next week!
