Queens, NY: 2017 was going to be the year that the young gun rotation would come together and the New York Mets would finally win the World Series. Expectations were high, but they’ve underachieved again. Injuries have hurt them again, but there are also signs of dysfunction like players refusing MRIs and managers being muzzled.
Through 55 games the Mets are 13 games under .500 and 11 games behind the Nationals. How much of this is bad luck and how much is dysfunction? To find out, we decided to compare the Mets to the dumpster fire of dysfunction, the Trump administration. We thought we would look at key individuals in both organizations as a measuring stick to determine the Mets’ level of dysfunction.
Sean Spicer vs Mr. Met
Sean Spicer has a tough job, trying to explain away, dodge, and distract for the administration’s river of lies and deceptions. The much maligned Spicey was caught hiding in the bushes to avoid reporters looking to question him about the James Comey firing. If you were sent out to claim “Covfefe” was really a secret code, you’d hide too.
It’s no picnic for Mr. Met either, trying to try to pump up a deeply demoralized fan base. That T-shirt gun ain’t gonna cut it. Mr. Met hit his breaking point when he was caught on tape giving a fan the finger. We think. He’s only got four fingers, so he might’ve just been pointing. But an unnamed source has reported that Mrs. Met is horrified and is considering taking the kids, Hel and Kis, to Grandma Dodger-Giant’s (Mrs. Mets’ maiden name) place.
Advantage: Trump
Jared Cushner vs Terry Collins
I’m sure Jared Cushner trying to set up a secret back channel to Russia a month before inauguration had a perfectly legitimate purpose. “Did I say none of my people had communications with Russians? I meant ALL of my people had communications with Russians. Someone gave me that info. Nothing to see here, #witchhunt.”
Terry Collins was recently muzzled from talking about players’ injuries. TMI Terry, as he’s affectionately known, got into hot water for too often taking an overly optimistic view on injuries. “I know Lugo’s arm fell off, but he’s a quick healer.” I reckon this guy would have been fired already if the Mets weren’t so cheap. But hey, it’s only baseball, not treason.
Advantage: Trump
Mike Pence vs Sandy Alderson
Those clamoring for a Trump impeachment might want to take a closer look at Mike Pence. This guy advocates the government paying for gay conversion therapy. He repeatedly said in January that there had been no Russian contacts. Even though he’s either a liar or useful idiot, he’d be more effective at getting things done than Trump. Hell, so would Chief, my dog. Chief’s been known to repeatedly eat things he just puked up. Like socks. Plus he can’t talk.
Sandy Alderson put together a rock solid, young rotation and a team that looked poised to contend for years. But injuries, injuries, and more injuries have shot out the tires on the bus. Alderson has deserved better and I would be surprised if the Mets don’t bring him back. Unless he’s responsible for their medical staff, in which case he must be sent far far away.
Advantage: Trump
Kellyanne Conway vs David Wright
The queen of propaganda and master of answering questions no one asked is everyone’s favorite whipping girl. This liar for hire will be remembered for inventing the ridiculous term, “alternative facts.” You might as well just ask her about the rain dance of the Zuni, a Native American tribe. She’s just going to talk about whatever she wants anyway. “You know who was doing a rain dance when millions were losing jobs? Obama!”
David Wright, the much maligned Met captain has not played in 2017 and the Wilpons might as well give the rest of the money on his contract to Bernie Madoff, for all the good it’ll do them. His latest injury, a shoulder impingement, is usually not a big deal. But piled on top of his flatbed full of maladies, it could be a career ender. The poor guy could’ve been a great one.
Advantage: Mets. At least Conway has some use for her team.
Donald J Trump vs Fred Wilpon
The Donald recently got back from a bumbling, horrific overseas trip where he insulted a load of allies, shoved world leaders, and generally acted like a buffoon. Trump called the trip a home run, naturally. I’m going to adopt this tactic at work. “Ben, your report was full of typos and left out key data.” “Wrong loser. It was a home run.” His internet followers think “covfefe” means “I will stand up” in Arabic. It doesn’t. Please pass the crazy pills.
Fred Wilpon is known for being cheap and losing around $700 million to Madoff. He was also involved in a separate Ponzi scheme where he had to fork over millions. Maybe he’s interested in a real estate investment I have for some beachfront land in the Maldives. Thanks to Trump, those islands will be underwater in no time. Don’t tell Wilpon. While he’s managed to stay afloat, leapfrogging through Ponzischeme Pond, this dude is a bit shady. He didn’t found a scam college or anything, but pretty shady.
Advantage: Trump
Winner: Trump. The Mets have some dysfunction, but it doesn’t compare to the Trump Turd Buffet of treasonites, liars, and incompetents. Come on Trumpers, let me hear you. Or just come back tomorrow for Angry Ward. Follow us on Twitter at @benwhit, @MeetTheMatts, @Matt_McCarthy00, Instagram @MeetTheMatts and like our Facebook page, Meet The Matts.
