Cayman Islands–Hip Hop entrepreneur Birdman made a little news this week by saying he was putting a $5 million bet on the Patriots this Sunday. I don’t know if he’s still in Alcatraz or not, but that’s just silly, even rude…and yes, wimpy. If he was really a gambling man, I think he should be dropping that kind of change on whether Kelly Clarkson’s National Anthem lasts longer than 1:34 (-120).
Here at MtM (I’m sticking with the little “t,” I think “MTM” already belongs to Mary Tyler Moore), where that kind of chump change is laughed at (and then wept over), The Public Professor has ably taken over Rex O’Rourke’s role in prognosticating NFL winners, and Different Matt has long used his bi-Friday post to make his own predictions for the weekends, but so far this year I believe nobody’s touched upon the thing that makes gambling such idiotic fun, the Prop Bets. If I’m not mistaken (-210) I think our man Diff did something like this last year, but he’s not due back behind the keyboard until well after the Big Game (tBG), so I’m here to step in and deliver some new prop-nications of my own:
Will Kelly Clarkson forget any words to the National Anthem?
Yes +200
No -750
Which Will Happen First?:
The Kick Off -1000
Announcement that Van Halen’s Upcoming Tour is Cancelled +500
Percentage of Commercial Watchers inevitably disappointed that these Matthew Broderick Spots are Not for a New Ferris Bueller Movie but in fact Are for something Totally Stupid?
Over 90 -600
Under 90 +110
Number of Pork Explosions consumed across the U.S. During the Game:
Over 175 -200
Under 175 +125
Number of Pork Explosions shaped like a Baby?
Over 1.5 -300
Under 1.5 -110
Average age of fans who will wonder during the halftime show why Lady Gaga looks so old:
Under 35 +250
Over 35 -125
What Color Gatorade will be Poured on the Winning Coach:
Orange +190
Yellow +200
Green +600
Red +1100
None (The Players Will Have Drank It All) +10000
Which will be Longer:
The First TV Timeout -120
The First Pee I Take During That Timeout -120
What Color will my Pee be during that first Time Out:
Yellow (from a normal day’s diet) -110
Clear (from wisely consuming a lot of water beforehand) -250
Green (from eating grilled asparagus with the pork bomb) -150
Red (I should go to the hospital) -1000
Number of Dumb Things Joe Buck says during Telecast:
Over 15 -300
Under 15 +150
Number of People who actually hear him Say those Dumb Things since the Game is on NBC, not Fox:
Over 10 -300
Under 10 +150
Performer of next year’s Super Bowl halftime:
Christina Aguillera +10,000
Kelly Clarkson +7500
Miley Cyrus +1000
Birdman +750
Van Halen +500
Which Lasts Longer:
The Patriots’ first drive of the Second Half -200
The ABC sitcom Working It +500
Chances my Post next Monday after the game is a Rambling, Drunken, Incoherent mess:
100% OFF
Chances Grote2DMax has another stellar follow up afterwards, and tomorrow:
100 % OFF
