SAN FRANCISCO, CA – In an unbelievably fortunate development, Melky Cabrera finds himself in the The Public Professor’s English class. Here’s his first assignment.
“What I did This Summer Vacation” – by Melky Cabrera…
My summer vacation has been just super awesome so far. I went to a water park. Had to wait in long lines, because it was hot and the place was crowded, but the slides were fun. The water was cold! My mother took me but she got very annoyed when I threw a fit about getting ice cream so we had to leave early. Too bad!
Stupid ice cream! Sorry, I’ve been prone to bouts of rage lately…completely independent and not related to anything I may have accidentally taken, tricked into such by a misleading website…for an herbal knock-off Lactaid. Yes, I’m in fact lactose intolerant, a fact I tried desperately to keep secret. Can you imagine, the “Melkman” is allergic to milk?
This revelation would turn these guys…
…into these guys.
That’s why my mom wouldn’t let me have the ice cream – because I would get sick in the car again. So when I got home, I had my agents Sam and Seth Levinson find me a product I could purchase on the internets (with its own website), and call it “Melk.” Get it? Naturally I had to try some of it first.
Unfortunately, this Melk also contained some certain kinds of hormones and other sciency stuff. Now I’m being chased by the long arm, and freakishly huge hand, of star FDA Investigator Jeff Novitzky. Seriously, look at this guy, he looks like a Fiddler Crab. That must be how he busted Victor Conte and all those Balco folks back in the day. He waved is giant claw in an act of aggression and swept them all into the courtroom.
The whole thing is silly, my vein-popping… er, I mean eye-popping stats definitely weren’t inflated or anything the year because of the Melk. What I understand from Doctors, getting strong after mistakenly using steroids is rare. If it’s a legitimate mistake, the player’s body will shut that stuff down. Rep Todd Akin told me that. I think that’s what went wrong with Randy Travis.
The sad part is apart that the website, which I had no knowledge of being connected to, was going to be super-awesome with lots of flash effects and music playing when you open a window and no way to turn it off, and maybe some dancing bananas in sunglasses. This was just the beginnin. I also had a 60 minute info-mercial about it and a possible deal with GNC for a new supplement called Muscle Melk. That is, if I knew anything about it, which I don’t. Sam and Seth are pretty insistent that I don’t.
In conclusion, it turns out my summer actually isn’t so great after all. That’s okay, fall is coming and if the Giants can make it into the playoffs, I’ll be eligible to return by the second round…maybe even get into the World Series, where I’ll have home-field advantage. The end.
Make sure you take your Grote2DMax supplements tomorrow.
