NEW YORK, NY – Thanks again to Different Matt for taking my column last week in the 11th hour. I’ve seen the same head cold get worse, with five-thousand gallons of phlegm and a good dose of laryngitis. If you think wrangling kids is tough under usual circumstances, try it without a voice… But I’m not the only one who has gotten boned this week. From Dickey to Johnson, even Bon Jovi’s Getting The Shaft…
Hot (Knuckle) Balls Dickey: To the glee of Mets fans everywhere, R.A. Dickey won the NL Cy Young Award this week. With a 20-6 record, 2.73 ERA and 230 K’s under his belt this season, the thirty-eight year old knuckleballer won the honor by an overwhelming margin, getting 27 out of 32 first place votes. I love this story for many reasons: 1) He’s a knuckleballer and GOSH are they fun to watch; 2) The guy is thirty-eight. The reason most people look at pitchers who are thirty-eight is because they are waiting to send them out to pasture; 3) Despite his team’s performance (sorry, not a stab… the truth), the guy was SOLID, dependable and performed despite. Standing ovation for Dickey. Well done.
The Cold Shaft: We should be well under way with the NHL season right now but the Puck Faces just can’t get it together. The players union and owners cannot agree, though apparently we’re supposed to see that they’ve actually talked for seven of the last nine days as some sort of progress. 
The Winter Classic has been ICED and as we’re getting into the deep freeze time of the year here on the east coast… no goddamn hockey. The head of the NHL Player’s Association apparently believes that “…the collective bargaining agreement can be wrapped up in a hurry once the sides make a breakthrough in negotiations.” Move it along fellas, we’re all getting proverbial blue balls waiting for this big finish.
Gomez Cured of Bieber Fever: Big frackin’ celeb news. Justin “The Biebs” Bieber and Selena Gomez have apparently broken up. While I don’t have teenagers and don’t have to suffer this stuff too much, I am interested in it for TWO reasons. 1) It takes some of the attention off the Kristen Stewart-Screwed-Her-Director-so- Robert Pattinson-Dumped-Her-Trampy-Ass story. No, I’m not a Twihard fan. I think that’s what they call them. 2) It PROVES that some female, under the age of 21, doesn’t like this twit.
Marlins (mince)Meat: This week a big trade involving the Miami Marlins and the Toronto Blue Jays all but proved that people have no loyalty or care in the world. The Wonder Woman-insignia-wearin’ Marlins totally shafted their fans by selling off its major talent to the Toronto Blue Jays for prospects. (Canada still cares?) Jose Reyes, Mark Buehrle and Josh Johnson all went in the deal (contingent on physicals and the city of Miami burning the new stadium to the ground). Of the deal, uber-douche and Angry Ward favorite, Jose Bautista, twatted of the deal: “Good day to be a Blue Jay!” He must keep his iPhone in his a$$.
Bon Jovi Sticky Situation: Some people are Livin’ On A Prayer. But some people live off a wildly large fortune their parents have amassed and decide to piss all over it by becoming a drug addict. Jon Bon Jovi’s nineteen-year old daughter, Stephanie was arrested following a call that she was found unresponsive and allegedly OD’d on heroin at her Hamilton College dorm in upstate New York. Her home state of New Jersey was declared a disaster area and she’s up in college getting faced on illegal drugs. Her father must be so proud. She’s really screwed the pooch on him needing to PR the be-Jesus outta this story. Well done.
And with that, I’m gonna get myself a stiff drink and declare the weekend get an early Thursday start. Heck… next week is a short week with Thanksgiving – not celebrated in Canada for you Marlins players relocating there. Come on back tomorrow for Dr. Diz and his College Football Fun.
