Elmont, Queens- Today is MtM’s first ever Day at the Races. A gaggle of MtM staffers are, at this very moment, playing the ponies at Belmont Park. I have written this column in advance. Here’s what I suspect will happen today.
10 AM: The day begins with Angry Ward and myself desperately seeking a ride from the Bronx to Queens. After the MtM caravan from Manhattan stiffs us, we do unspeakable things in the bathroom of Gold Mine Doughnuts, just under the El at the corner of W. 231st and Broadway. We emerge to receive free fried egg sandwiches and the promise of a livery cab to take us to our destination.
11 AM: Frustrated by traffic on the Major Deegan, our charioteer unceremoniously ditches us just just shy of the Triborough Bridge. We thumb it the rest of the way.
High Noon: We arrive just in time to wager on the first race. It turns out to be well worth it, as my $2 show bet on the even money favorite garners me a handsome .20 cent profit. The bathroom episode, which shall never be spoken of again, is now completely justified in my mind.
1:00: Grote2DMax cashes our posse’s first win ticket of the day when he follows good commonsense by wheeling an exacta with a horse on top called AHorseOnTop. Coincidentally, this is also Mrs. Grote’s nickname for him, though no public mention is made of this for fear that it will kick start one of his insufferable braying episodes.
2:00: One of the Matts fields a text from West Coast Craig, the only one of us sober enough to do any competent handicapping. He sends a lead pipe cinch for the 4th race. Unfortunately, it’s for the 4th race at Santa Anita. Instead of a 8-1 winner, we end up with a 50-1 long shot that looks like it came off the early 1960s Denver Bronco’s helmet. The jockey pulls him up after 4 furlongs for a cigarette break. For the horse, not the jockey.
3:00: Cheesy Bruin now has a monkey. No one knows where he got the monkey. No one asks. It’s wearing an over-sized Boston Bruins jersey and a Schreiner’s fez. It also hits the Daily Double. The monkey knows his shit.
4:00: Pooling our money, we convince the fine folks at Belmont to let us enter a field of three horses. 1A, 1B, and 1C, will be Tall Matt, Short, Matt, and Other Matt. Unfortunately, the Matts are thoroughly gin-soaked and not speaking to each other by this point, and in a fit of tantrum, refuse to even break from the gate. We demand a refund from the the fine folks at Belmont. None is forthcoming.
5:00: I nail my first winner of the day as Cheesy Bruin, ridden by Cookie, beats Short Matt, ridden by Lori Levine, to the parking lot. Somehow, we’ve managed to make it through the whole day without anyone uttering the phrase, “hung like a horse.” So I use it now in an off-color joke about the monkey. Cheesy Bruin takes offense and leaves me behind. I do what I must, and wander off to the Sabarro’s bathroom.
Do what you must tomorrow, and wander back here to read Cheesy Bruin’s Sunday column, which will be guest written by said monkey.
