HOLLYWOOD, CA – West Coast Craig here again, coming off a tough time last week when The Matts decided to bench me. Sure my performance hadn’t been great lately, but perhaps it’s because I tried to pick up a bikini model outside the MTM bullpen by tossing her a note attached to a staff laptop. The note said:
“Dear lady, do you like me? Check yes or no.”
I never saw the woman, or the computer again…I suspect she must’ve been part of the same Peruvian cartel that took Short Matt’s laptop a while back.
At any rate, turns out Management doesn’t appreciate such gestures, and I can appreciate that stance. I’ll continue to sit upon my stacks of money and cheer my fellow writers from the dugout…but inside I was shaken by rumors that I may be traded to sister site Meet the Marlons.
Just when all was darkest, though, I got a call from my good friend Kobe Bryant! Fortunately, I record all conversations. so I can share the transcript with you. That’s that’s what friends do, right?
KOBE: Hey WCC, Mamba here. I heard about your troubles and thought I’d pick up the phone and give you one of my patented pep talks.
WCC: Wow, thanks Kobe!
KOBE: Sure thing, that’s what we superstar athletes have to do…we’re the 1% of the sports world, we got to stick together.
WCC: Well, I don’t think I would really call myself…
KOBE: Stop right there, that’s your problem bro! You’re WCC, you’re not supposed to think! You’re supposed to know you’re the best! Like me!
WCC: You really think I’m like you? That’s very nice to say, but that Peruvian bikini model didn’t return my note.
KOBE: So she didn’t check ‘no’ then, did she? That means you still got a shot! Of course, your first mistake was even having a ‘no’ box. When you’re part of the super-elite like us, all boxes are marked ‘yes.’ The ladies understand that…except in Vail, apparently. This Peruvian chick wasn’t from Vail, was she?
KOBE: Never mind. The important thing is that you remind yourself who you are…the best! It’s why you and I make the big bucks!
WCC: Well, actually I don’t get paid for this.
KOBE: …
WCC: Hello?
KOBE: Didn’t you say you were sitting on stacks of money before?
WCC: Well, I meant metaphorically. Actually I”m sitting on a regular desk chair that’s got a broken back.
KOBE: Metaf*ckin’ what?! I thought you were serious. I’m sitting on my stacks of money because I thought you said…never mind. Okay, well, the important thing is you’re read and loved by millions of people.
WCC: Uh, I’d count it more in the tens. Maybe dozens if somebody happens to stumble mistakenly on here because the title is attractive to web crawlers.
KOBE: That’s an outrage. I’m watched by millions every game.
WCC: Well, now that the Lakers agreed to an exclusive deal with Time Warner Cable, I think it may only be dozens for you as well…I mean, there’s still a cable television? Who knew? Kobe? You still there?
KOBE: Uhhh, listen man, I can see this was a mistake. I’ve got to go…I’ve got a lot of these calls to make today. Joe Flacco I hear is out on his ledge.
WCC: Hey, I actually do feel better now! This is great, because nothing’s better than getting some cliched bit of inspirational advice from somebody who you just know will never be ironically linked to the very opposite some day in the future.
A man who could inspire Tony Robbins to believe in himself again, Grote2DMax tomorrow! Plus, don’t forget to see The Public Professor’s column on the Yankees and Chiefs going up in flames from earlier today.
P.s… Who would you vote in as the new Sophia Vergara? Cynthia Chanta or Jessica Barrantes?
