Angry Ward Thursday: The Last Matt on Earth

September 17, 2015 Angry Ward Angry Ward 12

New York, NY – Apparently, I’m the only one left in Mattville, and that’s just jake with me. When it comes to the company of others, I skew more Garbo than gregarious. But, still, don’t I have an obligation to report on that state of sports to the MtM masses? Ha! Masses! That’s a hot one. Anyway, here goes…

Fishpricks. Why in hell can’t the Mets beat the Miami Marlins in September… ever?!? The Marlins play the role of Everglades bloated corpse so well all year long and then somehow miraculously marshal all of their baseball energy to take down the Mets when it counts. Get these Florida effers back down to God’s waiting room tout suite.

The Magic (Number) is Back. It’s been a long time but it’s nice to be counting down to the Mets winning the NL East. The Magic Number is holding at 10, with the Yankees coming in for the three game set followed by another three at home against the Atlanta punching bags. As for the Shlubway Series, at long last I think most Mets fans could care less. I personally don’t think Matt Harvey should be allowed to pitch in it. Is he scheduled? I think so. Anyway, six games at home against those two clubs should equal around four wins. Anything less is unacceptable.

NFL News. You ever notice how most big NFL news stories have to do with crippling injuries? That really can’t be a good thing for your sport. After one week of football the Cowboys have lost Dez Bryant, the team from Washington has lost DeSean “Discard the Football on the 5-yard-line” Jackson, and the Ravens have lost their best defensive player Terrell Suggs for the season. There are countless other injuries, but those are biggies. Take away the M*A*S*H news and all you got is ho-hum stuff like Ryan Mallett starting over Brian Hoyer at QB in Houston (aka: “We’re replacing one scrub with another”) and Rex Ryan declaring that Rob Gronkowski is harder to defend than a foot fetish video.

OK, I gotta get back to work but I suppose I will see you all again tomorrow. My current assignment load reminds me of the Jimmy Cliff/Elvis Costello collaboration from the movie “Club Paradise.” It’s one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, days Angryyyyyy!

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About Angry Ward 772 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.