Cookie’s Corner: Craptastic Week in Sports & Celebrity News

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NEW YORK, NY:  Another week gone and I’ve got my Christmas tree up and the menorah is getting lit, but nothin’ doin’ on the present-shopping front. Oh well.  Add that to the cold weather setting in and I’m feeling kinda Scroogie about it all. And the Craptastic Week in Sports & Celebrity News, didn’t help…

Cookie It's Cold Outside.

“Cookie, It’s Cold Outside”

1)  NHL: That stands for National Hockey League.  Does anyone remember what these guys do besides get all crabby at each other and have clandestine meetings that result in NOTHING?  Sure.  I’ve thought of going to a minor league hockey game, but the local Bridgeport Sound Tigers’ tickets are $40 a pop.  At that rate, I’ll just wait until next season when I can have someone PAY ME to take Section 411 nosebleed seats off my hands because everyone has been turned off to major league hockey.

2) LiLo A Go-Go:  Nope. My favorite starlette (who is looking more than four times her age these days) is now in danger of having her probation revoked and going to jail for eight months.  EIGHT MONTHS!  This is an OUTRAGE!  She hasn’t killed anyone (yet).  And really, who doesn’t like some jewelry and a good cat fight?  I mean… eight months could be BAD for this girl! Last I checked they don’t have collagen injections for the lips in prison and if she’s gonna be ANYONE’s girlfriend, it’s gotta be mine, Lori Levine’s or Cam James’. 

No Botox in the Big House

3) NFL:  Can these players stop with the vehicular manslaughter, murder/suicide, dead-beat-dad thing and ‘Dancing With the Stars?‘  ENOUGH!!!  And say what you will about the AFC, Short Matt. The Broncos are 10-3.  Suck it.

4) Unfair 5K’s: Last weekend I ran a 5k.  That’s the first one I’ve done that hasn’t had a 1/2 mile swim and 15+ mile bike ahead of it at the least. This 5K was up in New Haven and is more about the after party (ahem). Still, I wanted to run a decent 5k and was comfy and confident following 5 miles of hill-work the day before.  But did I really NEED to run with people who can run hungover and STILL be fast?  Yeah, my friend Peter ran it in 19 minutes and change… hungover and on three hours of sleep.   Anyone looking to trot out a bit and sport the MTM high-tech sports tops can run the Coogan’s 5K in Washington Heights on Sunday, 3/3/2013. Different Matt, Angry Ward, and yours truly will all be running.  Afterwards, we will all be drinking.  Be there.

Monkey Business

A Monkey That’s All Business

Speaking of unfair…

5) My favorite story of this week:  The Ikea Monkey is getting sadder and sadder with each passing day. Who can’t LOVE a monkey with a shearling coat tramping around Ikea?!  But he was taken by Animal Control, stripped of his coat and may not be returned to his owner. Yes… he’s a wild animal. But if he can wear a coat, how wild can he be?

6) Biebs Blown:  A plot to kill Justin Bieber  was foiled.  Damn.

7) Youk & PUKE:  Youk is a Yank.  I don’t like it.  And no, Boggs nor Damon were worse.  I watched Boggs get on the horse during Game 6 of the ’96 World Series and while that nearly made me puke – that wasn’t worse.  And while I hated “Mr. Looks Like Jesus, Acts Like Judas & Throws Like Mary” Johnny Damon, my hatred for Youk, with the Toilet Brush on his face, is ten-times worse. On the flip side, however, the Yanks get Mo for another year and the deal with Ichiro is all but done.  I’m OK with that.  Josh Hamilton gets to have West Coast Craig cheering for him and Shane Victorino is a Red Sox.  I’m OK with that too.

Bring on Christmas I guess. Dr. Diz & with College Football, tomorrow.

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About the Author ()

Cookie, like 7 fifths of the MTM staff, was brought in by The Franchise (Angry Ward). They met sitting near each other at a NY Rangers game. She's our Angelina Jolie in "Mr. & Mrs. Smith" - by day the fetching wife and young mother of two little boys; by night the hot, sports fanatic that mixes in triathlons and X-Treme sports with her love for the Yankees, Brooklyn Nets, NY Rangers and... Denver Broncos. She is, like most of the rotation, more than a bit sassy, bakes like nobody's business and is one smart... Cookie. She too, needs to be in a bikini as often as possible.
  • Dee Phence

    Knicks win again! Kobe can’t Metta any peace in the Laker lockerroom? D’Antoni is the most overrated coach in NBA.

    • Diff

      I watched most of the Knicks game last night. They got a little sloppy in the second half and let the Lakers back into it. They’ll have to be better at putting teams away if they’re going to make a deep playoff run.

      While I was by no means excited about the game, I will say that I had a decent enough time watching that I will try it again in the near future.

      • http://meetthematts.com/ Meet The Matts

        Diff and Dee Phence (Great name, by the way!)… You have to tip your hat to a team that can beat the frogging Lakers without Amelo Marthony! Come on, give it up, Diff!

        • http://twitter.com/JunoirBlaber Junoir Blaber

          They totally look for real!!

  • Yankmees

    Clemens and Boggs were 100 times worse than Youkilis. Stop lying to yourself.

    • http://twitter.com/Cookies_Corner Cookies Corner

      Yankmees…. Boggs I could begrudgingly tolerate because before then.. it had been nearly a two decade World Series win drought for the Yanks. Clemens I was fine with the first time. I’ll admit.. the second time he came back.. well that was close. Susan Waldman screeching about how it was one of the greatest moments in Yankee history (please) and ‘Oh my GAWWWD Roger is in the BAWWWWX!’ really pushed it over the top.

      • http://meetthematts.com/ Meet The Matts

        Cookie, you’re in a Denver fog in you think Youkilis is worse than Clemens, Boggs and Damon! Unless… Wait. You’re an anti-Semite!

  • Cam_James

    I would totally date LILO. What isn’t attractive about a dilusional kleptomaniac? It is my opinion learned through experience that all women are crazy. Where that gets you in trouble is that they hide their crazy just long enough to get to locked down.

    With LILO you know what you are getting. No surprises later. There is something to be said for that.

    • http://twitter.com/Cookies_Corner Cookies Corner

      Cam.. I agree with you that you know what you’re getting with LiLo. And.. we’re also getting free Porsches, a Hollywood hills home and all the nightlife we can indulge in. I mean.. we all know how great that free booze tastes. She’s perfect. Get LL on the line and lets set the plan in motion.

      • Cam_James

        We better get her pregnant before she goes to jail. Pretty sure they don’t provide abortions in jail. If she’s locked up and we are locked in we will get to live the entire pregnancy sipping on umbrella drinks and we wont even have to see her.

        • AngryWard

          This is actually not a bad idea. She skews lesbian so you’ll have to use Cookie as bait and then when she passes out (pick a night, any night) do your thang, Cam.

          • http://twitter.com/Cookies_Corner Cookies Corner

            This is a fantastic idea. I’m betting that since LiLo has a big rack.. she’d be an ass girl and love mine. I”m good with being bait. I’m a shameless flirt. Porsches for everyone!!

          • Cam_James

            Cookie you drop the roofie and I’ll pull a houdini and come out of the closet…. Who are we kidding? LILO wont pass on the chance to have both of us at once. this isn’t going to be difficult. Cookie you better give me a high five…

          • Diff

            Cookie and Cam running the Eiffel Tower on LiLo. Please film it.

          • http://twitter.com/Cookies_Corner Cookies Corner

            OK… Diff.. you need to tell me what ‘running the Eiffel Tower’ means. Damn.. and I thought i was a saucy chick.

          • Cam_James

            well its kinda like im at lilo’s business end and she is at your business end and we give each other a high five thus the 3 of us have created a “tower”

          • http://twitter.com/Cookies_Corner Cookies Corner

            That’s hilarious. Disgusting.. but hilarious.

          • http://twitter.com/Cookies_Corner Cookies Corner

            Do we high five over her pregnant belly, Cam?

          • Cam_James

            well she isn’t preggers yet. that is my job.

        • AngryWard

          You guys should really just go ahead and ask her if she’s down. I’d say you at least have a 50/50 chance. I mean, what else does she have going on?

    • http://meetthematts.com/ Meet The Matts

      Get in line, CJ. We get first dibs.

    • http://twitter.com/JunoirBlaber Junoir Blaber

      And you can always drop a bag of coke on the table to shut her up! Crazy Chicks equal hot sex.

  • http://ThePublicProfessor.com The Public Professor

    I want that coat.

    • AngryWard

      It’s from Bob Mackie’s Dr. Zayas Collection. I’d say you’d take about a Macaque 44 short.

      • http://twitter.com/Cookies_Corner Cookies Corner

        Is someone here talking about their ‘CAQUE’ again? Typical.

  • MartySteiner9

    Keep the menorah away from the Christmas tree!

    • Walking Tall

      Safety before Jesus?

  • Diff

    “Looks like Jesus, Acts like Judas, throws like Mary” is brilliant.

    LiLo will run the yard in prison. She’ll shank any chick that steps to her. Sadly the yayo will make her heart explode before she ever gets to prison.

  • http://twitter.com/CheesyBruin Cheesy Bruin

    Can’t believe I actually watched the first half of Knicks-Lakers. If the unis were hugging the players I swear it could have been a Nuggets-Mavericks game circa 1985. I think Metta should be similarly referred as was Prince–The Basketball Player Formerly Known As Ron Artest. Cookie, you even look seductive in winter wear. Meeeeeow, pussycat.

    • Sam’s-A-Fan

      Yeah, Cookie had me just sporting the winter parka, knit cap, and devastatingly sexy glance, but when she started bragging on her ass I was done fer.

      • http://twitter.com/Cookies_Corner Cookies Corner

        Aw thanks Sam! Ya gotta work a look during all seasons. (But yea.. summertime… bikini time is my favorite.)

    • http://twitter.com/Cookies_Corner Cookies Corner

      Thanks Cheese Man. Sometimes you gotta show people that sometimes sexy can be absent of skin. ;)

  • AngryWard

    If Time Magazine doesn’t make the Ikea Monkey its “Man of the Year” they should fire all of their editors and start fresh.

  • http://meetthematts.com/ Meet The Matts

    Can anyone visit Lohan in jail? If so, that could be our big moment! We show up in orange linen suits, the media scrambles to find out who we are and then Lindsay refuses to see us! She denies knowing us but nobody believes her! Instant publicity!!!

    • AngryWard

      Best idea you ever had… sadly.

  • WestCoastCraig

    Is the MTM 5K high tech top like the monkey’s? Sign me up, I’m getting my plane tickets now!

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