Angry Ward Wednesday: Knicks Not Cool, Ellen Does Dallas, and Baseball’s Boys of Bummer

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BRONX, NY – The Jewish holiday of Yom Kippur starts this evening, as I scramble to find another column idea. Suppose I could stick with the theme of this holiday and do something about atonement, but anyone who knows me knows I’m pretty much atone deaf. I’ll get my, ‘THE YANKEES SHOULD NEVER BE ALLOWED TO PLAY THE TWINS OR A’S IN THE PLAYOFFS AGAIN!” comment out of the way here in the intro so as not to interfere with creative flow “CONTRACT THE ORIOLES NOW!” later on in this piece.

Kevin Durant is the New Fonz. Did you see that someday-Brooklyn-Nets-superstar Kevin Durant said that younger players in the league don’t think the New York Knickerbockers are cool? How can this be? Have they not seen James Dolan’s bitchin’ band? Is trying to spell Frank Ntilikina’s name too much of a buzzkill? Or do they just realize that Madison Square Garden sits atop the haunted Poltergeist Indian Graveyard of transit hubs, Penn Station. Whatever the case, looks like the league is onto those dorky Knicks and their spaz CEO. Back to Fonzie for a sec. Did it bother anyone else that his “office” was the men’s room at Arnold’s? That’s not so cool.

DeGeneres and Degenerate. Sounds like people are in quite the lather about Ellen DeGeneres and her wife Portia de Rossi watching the Cowboys/Packers game with former President George W. Bush on Sunday. As someone who has been seen at several sporting events sitting alongside the likes of Short Matt and Junoir Blaber, I am not one to cast stones. And, while I am no fan of Dubya, I always find it far more offensive watching Chris Christie and Jerry Jones spoon in the owner’s box. It’s like watching Baby Huey hang out with geriatric Howdy Doody.

Baseball Blahs. As I write this, the Rays are knocking around Justin Verlander in the first inning of Game 4 of their series in that rancid tunafish can known as Tropicana Field. And they finished them off 4-1, setting up Game 5. Now the Astros have to count on Gerrit Cole to save their season and, even if he does, their 1-2 starting punch will be kinda taxed going into the ALCS. Looks like the AL playoffs seem to be setting up nicely for Rudy Giuliani’s favorite team. Joy. Anyway, let me forget about this by taking a quick look at the surely more palatable NL playoff picture. Hmm. Um… Er… Hmm. Looks like there’s two deciding Game 5’s today and the teams involved are… St. Louis, Atlanta, Washington and LA? Jesus. This is depressing. It’s like a Battle Royale of history’s worst baseball monsters. There are no winners here, people. Save yourselves!

If you survive today’s baseball Terrordome, come back tomorrow, or not, for Buddy Diaz.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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