ANGRY WARD WEDNESDAY: PROPOSITION BETS

FROSTBITE FALLS, MN—Coming to you today from the home of Bullwinkle J. Moose and Rocket “Rocky” J. Squirrel. Been thinking about this weekend’s Super Bowl and how I just don’t find it all that compelling a match up. In fact, it reminds me of when Atlanta squared off against Denver back in SB XXXIII. Back then I really didn’t have any strong feelings for either team and, though I am pulling for the Cardinals against the Steelers (simply because the Cards have a pathetic history), I really don’t care who wins this one either. It’s at times like these when I find myself scrambling to get in on Super Bowl box pools (for entertainment purposes only) in hopes of keeping the game interesting for myself. But where you really want to be before a game such as this one is in Las Vegas, where you can make proposition bets on just about anything: Who’s going to score first? How many picks will Warner throw? Which team will be the first to challenge a ruling on the field? The list goes on and on. In fact, I haven’t looked it up but I wouldn’t be surprised if they are also taking wagers on Springsteen’s Halftime show: how many songs, which songs, length of Clarence Clemons sax solo, etc. The availability of all of these gambling opportunities makes one wish that there were proposition bets going 365 days a year on sports and all sorts of things. Can you imagine the daily prop bet from either of the last two years on whether Willie Randolph would get ejected from that night’s game? The odds would have been something like 25-1 and the bookies would have made out like bandits. How about the odds on Moises Alou making it through an entire season healthy? 1000-1 maybe. Again, “the house” would have cleaned up. Here are some other propositions I’d like to see listed at the Angry Ward Sports Book:

• Over/Under on C.C. Sabathia’s spring training reporting weight
• Number of DUI’s handed out to Jets fans after the New England game

• First to score: Ramon Castro from second on a single or Yankee Joe w/ a Bleacher Creature
• The odds on John Daly suffering a heart attack in 2009
• Higher number: Carlos Beltran stolen bases or David Wright errors?
• Bigger 2009 flop: A.J. Burnett or next Tom Cruise movie?
• Over/Under on Dallas Cowboys arrests
• First to fold: WNBA, The Rangers in the Playoffs, Clancy on his “No Mashed Potatoes” stance

• Which will happen first: Lower “c” gets curtain call at Shea or Matts get show on SNY

• Over/Under on A-Rod and Madonna visits to Randy Levine’s hot tub in February

As for the Super Bowl itself, you just get the feeling that there have been too many good ones lately (well, not the Colts/Bears) and it’s time for another yawner. Again, I’m rooting for Arizona but I’ll say Steelers 27 Cardinals 13. One final thought, just because this post has lacked sufficient anger: How is it that schools today cancel classes when there’s even a hint of snow but when I was a lad it would take only a full-on blizzard to shut down school? We’re raising a generation of weather weaklings I tells ya! This is why year after year you hear more people whine: “I can’t take this weather. I’m moving to Austin.” As Yankee Joe would say, “boo-hoo.”

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Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.