– As we were leaving the Senate chambers, exonerated of any wrong-doing in our MTM

Super Bowl Giveaway, we couldn’t help but be a little light in our loafers. Our exuberance did not go unnoticed, either. Tank Johnson, Hot Rod Williams, Don King and Rocket Roger Clemens all gave us big thumbs-up as we skipped out. Their respective agents and lawyers all raced after us :

“How much do you have to pay?”

“Probation or Community Service?”
“House arrest?”
“When’s your next hearing?”
“Where did you get the glasses?”
Little did they know is that we had something all of them didn’t have; a time-tested way to beat any rap or accusation of wrong-doing, regardless of the scope, ramifications or bloody gloves.
“Dubya pardon you!?” came one desperate final flurry.
No, Soiled Silly Beans! We had Mark from Arizona! In other words, we had the truth and fact and all things legal on our side. Imagine that. How gauche! How prissy! How expensive!!! $11,000.00 expensive! And believe you us, it wasn’t easy! In fact, in was doggone difficult. The computer spit out a winner around 2 pm Friday and the immediately called us with his number so that we could film the live phone call. What we failed to anticipate was that our potential winner might not pick up the phone. So there we were, jury-rigged speakerphone and camera poised, blue suit and blue shirt all ironed and pressed, listening to ring after ring. 5 rings later – you guessed it – voicemail. Now, what does one say, perfect stranger to perfect stranger, that will get someone to call back a stranger without tipping off the big surprise? We chose this, verbatim:
“Hey… My name is Matt and MUST call me back. You’ve won something BIG and this IS NOT a scam, joke or ponzi scheme. My number is…”
An hour later we texted his cell phone; “Dude, call us back!” and got up from the set (our desk) and made a turkey wrap – black olives on the side. We sat back at the desk, diddled a bit on the computer and took a big bite of our t-wrap. That’s when jerky called back. After a mad scramble including the jettison of said bite, resetting computer screen and sound recorder software settings, hitting the record button on the Flip Camera, adjusting our tie and hoping that we were framed properly, we hit the answer button and spoke with our surefire winner! And guess what? It couldn’t have gone worse. Not only did our guy sound like Mr. Rosenberg from The Jerky Boys but he – drum roll – COULDN’T GO! He didn’t say that, though. Instead, he let us go through our ShamWow-esque spiel before declining. What’s worse is that the prize was TRANSFERABLE and off-camera he – sit down for this – gave it back because he couldn’t think of anyone to give it to!!! If ever there was a time for us to don civvies and guiltlessly enjoy a professional perk, especially with our Lenten Policy of no drinking/cursing/lying fast approaching, it was when Mr. Lame threw that meat pitch our way. But no, good ol’ fashioned Irish Guilt had us put it back in the computer and give you, Mattville, another chance at glory! Good golly, we’re good guys! The computer did it right on the second go at 10 pm, we picked up the phone again. Here’s what happened: While watching, please keep in mind that phone calls are tough to make visually enticing – just watch Mike Francessa on cable. So, while most of the civilized world thinks we’re up to our usual no-prize scamming ways – we assure you (more importantly, the people assure you) – we are true blue on this one and there will be many more to come. That’s all for now. Please chime in below, meet us for Pub Trivia tonight (Inwood Piper’s Kilt), consider breaking up the red-hot Knicks and check in with a seething Angry Ward tomorrow!

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About The Matts 375 Articles started out as a NY Mets website and organically grew into an entity covering all professional sports. Our daily contributors, as diverse as they may be, share two important traits: -They toil for the "love of the game..." -They have a sense of humor. This is, after all, sports entertainment.