McLEAN, VA – Coming to you this week from the home offices of the USA Today in order to steal their boilerplate and offer up some brief news capsules from around Major League Baseball.
AMERICAN LEAGUE• Baltimore Orioles: After signing outfielder Nick Markakis to a lucrative six-year contract extension, owner Peter Angelos announced that a large portion of the slugger’s salary is tied to Markakis working in one of the Angelos-owned “Saved By Gyro” Greek fast food locations in the greater Baltimore area.
• Boston Red Sox: No longer with the Red Sox, Curt Schilling divulged on his blog that he’s partnering up with Robbie Knievel, as the daredevil cyclist will attempt to jump Schilling’s mouth later this month.
• Chicago White Sox: Manager Ozzie Guillen is calling for tougher MLB steroid policies. Under Guillen’s proposal, first time offenders will be shot, second time offenders will be shot and then locked in a room with the women from The View.
• Cleveland Indians: Looking to increase team speed, the Indians have invited Wesley Snipes to Spring Training. Citing his ability to steal bases in the motion picture “Major League” as well as his uncanny knack for stealing from the United States Government, team sources say Snipes is “worth a look-see.”
• Detroit Tigers: Jim Leyland has signed on to shoot a Just for Menspot with Keith Hernandez. In the commercial both men will chain smoke, talk baseball, and attempt to pick up chicks.
• Kansas City Royals: Kansas City reports that they still have a major league baseball team.
• Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim: Have petitioned the commissioner’s office to extend their team name to: The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim in the Golden State of California one Nation Under Arte Moreno.
• Minnesota Twins: Twins management recently blasted the so-called “Octomom” for her “NY Yankee-like proliferation of offspring.
• New York Yankees: When asked recently about pitching in the pressure cooker that is New York, new Yankees hurler A.J. Burnett declined comment, threw up, and politely crapped his pants.
• Oakland Athletics: Former A’s pitchers Vida Blue and John “Blue Moon” Odom are reportedly both very happy. Jason Giambi was seen celebrating his return to the Bay area over a quiet dinner with old friend Victor Conte.
• Seattle Mariners: Upon his first visit to the Pike Place Fish Market, new Mariner Endy Chavez remarked: “It smells like Flushing in September.”
• Tampa Bay Rays: Still can’t believe that they were in the World Series.
• Texas Rangers: The Rangers are happily steroid-free for the first time since 1988.
• Toronto Blue Jays: Roy Halladay is looking forward to another season of brilliant pitching for a fantastically mediocre team.
NATIONAL LEAGUE
• Arizona Diamondbacks: Announced that their July 10th game against Florida will be AZCrazy Appreciation Day. All fans in attendance will receive an “I Hate Florida” t-shirt.
• Atlanta Braves: The Braves’ recent signing of Ken Griffey Jr. to a one-year deal has left Braves fans asking, “Who’s he?”
• Chicago Cubs: Former Cub Moises Alou finally apologized to fan Steve Bartman for “saving me from another significant injury by interfering with that foul ball back during the 2003 NLCS.”
• Cincinnati Reds: Due to the toxic cloud hovering over Great American Ballpark, the Reds announced that they will no longer be offering Skyline Chili at their concessions stands.
• Colorado Rockies: Coors Field has been voted “Stadium Named After the Crappiest Beer” by the Suds Swillers of America.
• Florida Marlins: Though doing little to improve their club this off-season, the Marlins still vow to play hard every time they face the Mets.
• Houston Astros: The Bad News Bears and Houston Toros are scheduled to play an exhibition before the Astros game against the Padres on May 8.
• Los Angeles Dodgers: The Dodgers are pleased to welcome back “The Bad Usher” for another season at Chavez Ravine.
• Milwaukee Brewers: After losing C.C. Sabathia to the Yankees and declining to re-sign Ben Sheets, the Brewers finally have some good news to announce: They have locked up Super Fan Wisconsin Walt for 10 more years of unbridled support.
• New York Mets: The demolition of Shea Stadium unearthed a buried, bleach-boned civilization of Mets fans that paleontologists have carbon dated back to the 1973 playoffs. Furthermore, the strained and bloated bladders of these mummified Metsies lead most experts to believe they were from the Upper Deck portion of the stadium famous for its heroic drinkers and long bathroom lines.
•Philadelphia Phillies: In an effort to perpetuate and beautify their championship image, the Phillies are offering free cosmetic surgery coupons to all season ticket holders.
•Pittsburgh Pirates: This year’s proposed “Dock Ellis LSD Night” promotion was narrowly voted down by management.
•San Diego Padres: Win or lose this season, the Padres promise to “Stay Classy.”
•San Francisco Giants: The Giants eagerly anticipate wiping another year off of Barry Zito’s contract.
• St. Louis Cardinals: In 2009 Tony La Russa will celebrate his 65th year as an insufferable jerk.
•Washington Nationals: The recent signing of Adam Dunn promises to deliver some cooling breezes around the Beltway this summer.
