NORAD COMMAND CENTER, CHEYENNE MOUNTAIN, CO– It’s the last post for old AW before the season starts, so hopefully all of you baseball sinners and non-believers are wearing your clean undies because judgement day is here. The Phillies are reigning champions, the Yankees have a soulless new stadium, the Giants gave Edgar Renteria $18.5 million, Ken Griffey Jr. is back in Seattle, John Smoltz is pitching for the Red Sox, and the Mets have clean bathrooms… for now. It’s the end of baseball as we know it, and I feel fine. Here’s what you can expect.
The Winners
NL East: New York Mets. If You want an objective opinion, I suggest you consult a Magic 8 Ball.
NL Central: Milwaukee Brewers. Wisconsin Walt and the Brew Brothers don’t need your pity, or Sabathia or Ben Sheets for that matter… All they need is some cold Schlitz, a broken down Trevor Hoffman, and a lot of hustle.
NL West: The Los Angeles Dodgers of Los Angeles. In late July, the shameless Torre will hire a bullpen coach dying of smog-induced emphysema in an effort to rally his team. Speaking of smog, wouldn’t the Smog Monster from “Godzilla vs. The Smog Monster” make an excellent mascot for the Dodgers?
NL Wildcard: Philadelphia Phillies. Raul Ibanez, hits a two-out game-winning double on October 4th to send the champs back into the playoffs and knock out the Marlins in a win-and-you’re-in game for both teams.
AL East: Boston Red Sox. Whatever.
AL Central: Minnesota Twins. Joe Mauer returns to carry the Twins on his, well, anywhere but on his back.
AL West: Oakland A’s. The swingin’ A’s win one for Clancy as Gumby swats 14 homers and hits .254.
AL Wildcard: New York Yankees. The fearsome Bombers somehow stave off the Kansas City Royals for the wildcard. Yankee Joe soils himself.
World Series: Mets over Red Sox in 7. Down 3 games to none, new Mets GM Lou Lamoriello fires Jerry Manuel and replaces him with Jacques Lemaire. After a quick lineup shuffle the Mets rattle off four straight. Your series MVP, Robinson Cancel.
OK, enough of that window dressing, here are some 2009 predictions that will scare you hitless.
• After contracting a nasty staph infection, Randy Levine swears off hot tubs.
• A-Rod starts dating Lindsay Lohan in an effort to get closer to Samantha Ronson.
• Tall Matt gets caught cheating at pub trivia, becomes an outcast in Inwood, and seeks reinstatement in Marble Hill.
• SportsMatchmaker.com gets sued by Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson for failing to find him a suitable snooker opponent.
• Livan Hernandez claims he’s actually El Duque’s grandson.
• Out of nowhere, short Matt gets engaged.
• Curt Schilling becomes popular new form of military torture.
• C.C. Sabathia gets suspended for doctoring baseballs. He defends himself by saying “bacon grease naturally comes out of my pores.”
• Keith Hernandez is reprimanded by SNY after making disparaging comments about Blue Smoke’s wine list.
• Dennis “Oil Can” Boyd pitches in the majors this year.
• Jim Rome finally calls Rex O’Rourke. Unfortunately, it’s for a date.
and finally…
• Phyllis Diller buys the Philadelphia Phillies.
See ya next week. In the meantime, please direct any questions on anything at all to askangryward@gmail.com. All submissions will remain anonymous unless otherwise signed or directed.
