NORAD COMMAND CENTER, CHEYENNE MOUNTAIN, COâ€“ Itâ€™s the last post for old AW before the season starts, so hopefully all of you baseball sinners and non-believers are wearing your clean undies because judgement day is here. The Phillies are reigning champions, the Yankees have a soulless new stadium, the Giants gave Edgar Renteria $18.5 million, Ken Griffey Jr. is back in Seattle, John Smoltz is pitching for the Red Sox, and the Mets have clean bathrooms… for now. Itâ€™s the end of baseball as we know it, and I feel fine. Hereâ€™s what you can expect.
NL East: New York Mets. If You want an objective opinion, I suggest you consult a Magic 8 Ball.
NL Central: Milwaukee Brewers. Wisconsin Walt and the Brew Brothers donâ€™t need your pity, or Sabathia or Ben Sheets for that matter… All they need is some cold Schlitz, a broken down Trevor Hoffman, and a lot of hustle.
NL West: The Los Angeles Dodgers of Los Angeles. In late July, the shameless Torre will hire a bullpen coach dying of smog-induced emphysema inÂ an effortÂ to rally his team. Speaking of smog, wouldnâ€™t the Smog Monster from “Godzilla vs. The Smog Monster” make an excellent mascot for the Dodgers?
NL Wildcard: Philadelphia Phillies. Raul Ibanez, hits a two-out game-winning double on October 4th to send the champs back into the playoffs and knock out the Marlins in a win-and-youâ€™re-in game for both teams.
AL East: Boston Red Sox. Whatever.
AL Central: Minnesota Twins. Joe Mauer returns to carry the Twins on his, well, anywhere but on his back.
AL West: Oakland Aâ€™s. The swinginâ€™ Aâ€™s win one for Clancy as Gumby swats 14 homers and hits .254.
AL Wildcard: New York Yankees. The fearsome Bombers somehow stave off the Kansas City Royals for the wildcard. Yankee Joe soils himself.
World Series: Mets over Red Sox in 7. Down 3 games to none, new Mets GM Lou Lamoriello fires Jerry Manuel and replaces him with Jacques Lemaire. After a quick lineup shuffle the Mets rattle off four straight. Your series MVP, Robinson Cancel.
OK, enough of that window dressing, here are some 2009 predictions that will scare you hitless.
â€¢ After contracting a nasty staph infection, Randy Levine swears off hot tubs.
â€¢ A-Rod starts dating Lindsay Lohan in an effort to get closer to Samantha Ronson.
â€¢ Tall Matt gets caught cheating at pub trivia, becomes an outcast in Inwood, and seeks reinstatement in Marble Hill.
â€¢ SportsMatchmaker.com gets sued by Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson for failing to find him a suitable snooker opponent.
â€¢ Livan Hernandez claims heâ€™s actually El Duqueâ€™s grandson.
â€¢ Out of nowhere, short Matt gets engaged.
â€¢ Curt Schilling becomes popular new form of military torture.
â€¢ C.C. Sabathia gets suspended for doctoring baseballs. He defends himself by saying “bacon grease naturally comes out of my pores.”
â€¢ Keith Hernandez is reprimanded by SNY after making disparaging comments about Blue Smokeâ€™s wine list.
â€¢ Dennis “Oil Can” Boyd pitches in the majors this year.
â€¢ Jim Rome finally calls Rex Oâ€™Rourke. Unfortunately, itâ€™s for a date.
â€¢ Phyllis Diller buys the Philadelphia Phillies.
See ya next week. In the meantime, please direct any questions on anything at all to firstname.lastname@example.org. All submissions will remain anonymous unless otherwise signed or directed.