HOLLYWOOD, CA – This year’s baseball season only feels like it’s been going on for 100 years, at least to Mets fans anyway, but today’s title doesn’t refer to that. Peter Travers’ column Wednesday inspired me to blow the lid off of that rank obscenity of an organization that calls itself the American Film Institute, or AFI. This bastion of Communism posing as a beacon of hope for the preservation of a great American art form has committed the grave sin of purporting that artistic expression can be quantified, catalogued and ranked, and has trumpeted their achievements by trotting out their “Greatest lists” in front of the American people and expected us to lap it up like an ice-cold PBR! Well, I spit on their lists and wave my private parts at their aunties! I say that not only is it hubris to act as if they have the authority to tell me that Porky’s II is better than Grand Illusion, or that Burt Reynolds’ mustache in Hooper is a scarier monster than the original Blob, but I have incontrovertible proof that their list of the 100 Greatest Movie Quotes is a plagiaristic sham that stinks like David Wells after a double header.
I’d always had a hunch that something was rotten with my cheese danish when any quote from the movie Titanic made it on the list and more so when “La-dee-da, la-dee-da” from Annie Hall was given the august honor of placing 55th on their list, but I knew that the fix was in when this great line from Caddyshack was not placed in its rightful number one position
“Cinderella story. Outta nowhere. A former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a mirac..It’s in the hole! It’s in the hole! It’s in the hole!”
The above wrongs were just a little bit of kindling that started my suspicions burning, what follows is the hard proof in the form of real quotes from the AFI 100 List with their true original authors as well as the original source material from whence the AFI got some of the other alleged quotes:
#18 – “Made it, ma! Top of the world.” AFI would have you believe that this quote was from the movie White Heat spoken by Cody Jarret as played by Jimmy Cagney, but the real quote can actually be attributed to the Philly Phanatic celebrating the Philadlphia Phillies 2008 World Series victory over the Tampa Bay Rays. This was a case of art imitating life as in the movie the beloved Cody explodes in a gaseous ball of flames 500 feet high, just as the Phanatic’s hopes for his beloved Phillies blows up in the 2009 campaign.
#27 – “I’m walking here! I’m walking here!” – actual quote by Timo Perez upon Todd Zeile’s hitting a long fly ball in game one of the 2000 World Series.
#24 – “I am big! It’s the pictures that got small.” – Barry Bonds’ explanation for why his head appears so large in photos of him in the latter stages of his career, when compared to earlier photographic evidence.
#29 – “You can’t handle the truth!” – Yankee Joe, to Mets fans, repeatedly.
#50 – “Houston, we have a problem.” – Houston Astros’ GM Ed Wade.
#61 – “Say ‘Hello’ to my little friend!” – Bill Veeck introducing Eddie Gaedel.
#77 – “Soylent Green is people!” – the original quote was Dallas Green is people, but as a result of test audiences reporting that the original line was just too unbelievable, it was changed.
#19 – “I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore.” – Yankees Suck
#42 – “Plastics.” – Kris Benson’s answer to the question “Mr. Benson, to what does your wife Anna attribute her gorgeous figure?”
#20 – “Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.” – a deluded Omar Minaya on the inking of a misguided contract extension with lower c.
#23 – “There’s no place like home.” – Ryan Church when he should have been thinking about touching third.
#59 – “As god is my witness, I’ll never be hungry again.” – Scott Boras
#81 – “Hello, gorgeous.” – Alex Rodriguez to the mirror.
#88 – “Listen to me mister. You’re my knight in shining armor. Don’t you forget it. You’re going to get back on that horse, and I’m going to be right behind you, holding on tight, and away we’re gonna go, go, go!” – Ibid
#85 – “My precious.” – Ibid
#9 – “Fasten your seatbelts. It’s going to be a bumpy night.” – Mets pitching coach Dan Warthen before Oliver Perez takes the mound.
#91 – “Who’s on first?” – Jerry Manuel upon filling out the nightly line-up card.
#90 – “A martini. Shaken, not stirred.” – Joba Chamberlain upon learning that the bar on the reservation doesn’t carry Crown Royal.
#41 “We rob Banks.” – the bullies in Ernie “Mr. Cub” Banks’ 8th grade class.
#47 – “Shane. Shane. Come back!” – the Phanatic’s sad pathetic cries when Shane Victorino files for free agency.
#68 – “Here’s Johnny!” – quote shortened from “Here’s Johnny Damon, in short left field, and here’s the runner scoring from second as a result of his weak weak arm.”
#53 – “One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don’t know.” – Doc Ellis during the post game press conference after throwing the most infamous no-hitter in the history of baseball.
#7 – All right, Mr. DeMille, I’m ready for my close-up.” – Alex Rodriguez to the mirror.
#43 – “We’ll always have Paris.” – Ibid.
#75 – “I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.” – Ibid.
Well there you have it, proof positive about whatever off-the-wall claim I was making in the intro to this piece. Frankly my dear, I’m still laughing myself silly over Truck Nutz!
Enjoy your Memorial Day Weekend, and drive safe!
p.s… You can still play the MTM Trivia game to win tickets to Interleague play after June 6th! Look for new questions tomorrow!