ANGRY WARD WEDNESDAY: GUEST COLUMNIST PETER TRAVERS

NEW YORK, NY—Bogged down with lots of work this week but, luckily, I was able to land blurbtastic Rolling Stone film critic Peter Travers to fill in for me at the last minute. Per our agreement, Pete will offer up a pulse-pounding, action-packed line or two about some of this season’s must-see players and personalities. Take it away P.T.

Ryan Church: “EVERY MINUTE HE’S ON THE FIELD YOU CAN’T TAKE YOUR EYES OFF OF HIM. DELIVERS MORE THRILLS, CHILLS, AND SPILLS THAN A BABY IN THE MIDDLE OF A FREEWAY.”

Joba Chamberlain: “TWICE THE CHARISMA OF BILL PAXTON. A HOT CAULDRON OF BAKED BEANS AND BOURBON THREATENING TO EXPLODE AT ANY MOMENT!”

Manny Ramirez: “HE’S ALIEN VS. PREDATOR ON STEROIDS. SPARKS LITERALLY FLY WHEN HE PEES INTO A CUP.”

Jerry Manuel: “…GIVES AN OSCAR-WORTHY PERFORMANCE AS A MENTALLY CHALLENGED MANAGER.”

Bud Selig: “BUDDY’S BACK! HIS COWHIDE SKIN, OVERBLOWN SALARY, AND STRAIGHT-FACED LIES SCREAM: ‘PLAY BALL!’”

Alex Rodriguez: “FROM HIS FROSTED HIGHLIGHTS TO HIS PURPLE LIPS TO HIS OOMPA-LOOMPA TAN, A-ROD IS BACK WITH A PALETTE OF COLORS AND MOODS THAT POP LIKE A WHORE’S LIP GLOSS.”

Roger Clemens: “RATCHETS UP THE RIDICULOUSNESS IN ‘LIAR, LIAR 2: CONGRESSIONAL HOUSE PARTY!’”

Oliver Perez: “MORE BALLS THAN ANY PLAYER IN THE BIGS TODAY, AND THE WALK-TO-STRIKEOUT RATIO TO BACK IT UP.”

David Ortiz: “THE KING OF SUMMER BLOCKBUSTERS GIVES THE MOST SUBTLE PERFORMANCE OF HIS CAREER. YOU HARDLY KNOW HE’S THERE.”

Sean Green: “DOES FOR LEADS WHAT GODZILLA DID FOR TOKYO. MOVE OVER AARON HEILMAN, THERE’S A NEW STENCH IN THE PEN.”

Randy Johnson: “TALL, TIRED, AND TRYING TO WIN 300, THE BIG UNIT IS BACK AT HIS GANGLY BEST IN THE LATEST FRISCO FREAKSHOW.”

Suzyn Waldman: “EVERY BIT AS SEXY AS RUTH BUZZI!”

Lonn Trost: “THE DOUCHE BAG ROLE AGAINST WHICH ALL OTHERS WILL BE MEASURED.”

Chris Carlin: “FATTER AND BALDER THAN SYDNEY GREENSTREET AT HIS SWEATY BEST. WHO NEEDS ‘CASABLANCA’ WHEN YOU’VE GOT WHITE CASTLE’S NUMBER ONE CUSTOMER?”

Jerry Lumpe: “WHAT A RACONTEUR! THE OLD PRO CAN STILL BRING IT WITH THE BEST OF THEM. HE’S ONE MOOSE SKOWRON STORY AWAY FROM THE HALL OF FAME!”

Ramon Castro: “MOVE OVER HORATIO SANZ! CASTRO IS A ROTUND REVELATION!”

Daniel Murphy: “…LIGHTS UP THE FIELD IN ‘IRON GLOVE.’”

Raul Ibanez: “THIS POWERHOUSE MAKES RYAN HOWARD LOOK LIKE REBA McENTIRE.”

Thanks for the opportunity today on this rock ’em, sock ’em site. Next time we’ll review, “28 Kei Igawa’s Later” and “Breakin’ 2: Electric Broke Alou.”

Share Button
About Angry Ward 663 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.