By Rex O’Rourke

NEW YORK, NY – Oh man, this season came upon us so quickly that I completely forgot to give you guys this year’s New York Mets promotional dates. Just remember these giveaways are in addition to all those Queens freebies we’ve come to love, such as “Me And My Bobby Vee Night” sponsored by Jensen’s Fake Moustaches and Sapporo Beer and “Bail Out Citibank And Pay For Our Brand New Stadium With Your Taxes Day”, which runs all year long. So, without further ado, here are your New York Mets 2009 Promotional Dates;

Carlos Delgado Pylon Night: All fans in attendance at the Mets May 8th game against Pittsburgh receive a charming orange pylon (original Mets orange of course) representing Carlos defensive range. This keepsake features a completely stationary everything, signifying Mr. Delgado’s defensive prowess. Look forward to special throwback Met pylons this season including Marv Throneberry and John Milner.

Fire Jerry Manuel T-Shirt Day: At May 31st’s game against Florida all fans take home this souvenir shirt that may only be relevant a couple more days.

Shea Stadium Urinal Night: June 19th’s game against the Rays promises to be a pisser. All fans 18 and over will receive a polyethylene urine bottle shaped like the former Mutt Hutt and as durable as that legendary Shea plumbing. Why wait for long bathroom lines when you can relieve yourself, on yourself, into one of history’s crappiest ballparks.

Roll Back The Clock Night: The New York Mets thank their loyal fans by rolling back time on July 7th’s game versus Joe Torre’s Dodgers. Offensive and defensive ability will revert to the magical 1977 season (some say it already has) as the Mets commemorate one of their more hilarious teams. Get a great seat any where you want and enjoy a cold beer as the Mets celebrate such stars of yesteryear as Mike Vail, Roy Staiger, Leo Foster, and Bruce Boisclair. All proceeds go towards the Steve Henderson “Smart Trading” Fund.

Jerry Seinfeld Appreciation Night: When the Mets take on the Diamondbacks on July 31st fans of all ages will receive a complimentary “Seinfeld” Boxed Set. Come watch Wayne Knight spit on Keith Hernandez. That is one magic loogie!

David Wright Heimlich Maneuver Night: All fans showing up to August 5th’s contest against St. Louis will receive a free anti-choking demonstration sponsored by the fine folks at Kahn’s Franks. “Kahn’s Franks, the Favorite Hot Dogs of Choking Mets Everywhere”.

Game-Used Baseball Bonanza: All season long, lucky fans in the outfield stands will be the recipients of some of the most meaningless home runs ever hit. Come on out and grab a piece of useless history.

Keith Hernandez Sexual Harassment Night: Indulge all of your caveman tendencies with this striking latex replica of Keith’s privates shaped like a microphone. Pull the string and listen to him degrade women yet strangely leave the Met’s lack of hustle alone. September 23rd’s game versus the Braves surely will be a night to remember.

More dates are likely to be added as the season progresses and the Mets continue to tank. Stay tuned!

Until next week,

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