MILAN, ITALY – It’s Friday and time for everyone to get all fluffed up and ready for the weekend. Time to strut your stuff to find a mate, impress friends with your flair or just feel good about not wearing those boring work togs. Now, while I would no longer call myself a fashionista, I do know a thing or two about fashion and looking at what is going on in the MLB, Mr. Blackwell has departed us far too soon. Look, I’m all for self-expression but someone needs to tell these boys a thing or two about what’s going on with their field fashions.
UNIFORMS – FLAVORS: We’ve already covered some thoughts about retros and the like. The Met black uniforms are just silly (and don’t the uniform mongos know that black attracts light and are thus… HOT). The Yankee home uniforms are classic. (Bonus points for the pinstripes’ slimming qualities. Just ask C.C.) Any uniform with a fish on it is dumb, adorning the sleeve of a uniform with a Dominos pizza box-esque symbol.. dumb. Any decoration other than a band memorializing anyone is unnecessary clutter. While we’re at it: No variety flavor hats (for July 4th and such) and no special colors for cause of the week. (Did I mention how the pink armbands and bats made watching games intolerable on that fateful Sunday?) Bad uniforms? Old school Houston Astros need not apply.
UNIFORMS – FIT: Can we pick a fit and go with it? With all the money these teams bring in, can’t they hire a tailor? Can’t Bud Selig mandate a standard uniform fit? (It’d be right up his alley.) Seriously. There are some people packin’ too much junk in the trunk to be wearing said uniforms too tightly. Conversely, this style of flappin’ in the breeze baggy uniforms is ridiculous. What’s with all the puddling of pant around the sneakers? What are we? Gang bangers? Or, if you’re thinking that a baggy uniform is covering up the fact that you’re a little soft around the middle, forget about it.
TO KNEE SOCKS OR NOT TO KNEE SOCKS: Kinda like wearing pleats, you have to know whether or not you can carry them off. Johnny Damon wore the knee socks for the Red Sox and sports ’em for the Yankees. I did not like them with the Sox. I do not like them in the batter’s box. In most cases, knee socks are best rocked by pitchers. Period.
BRIM O’ THE HAT: A few years back, the Marlins’ young D-Train burst onto the scene with a good arm and a flat brim. It really pissed me off to have to watch him pitch with that flat, out-of-the-box brim. I just KNEW that if someone hadn’t have stopped young Dontrelle, he would have taken the field with the tag still attached to the hat. (What the heck is THAT style?!?) Unfortunately, the fashion of flat brimmed hats is running rampant in the MLB. Most of you are annoyed by Joba’s over enthusiastic fist pumping. I want to yank the hat off his hat and bend the brim while he warms up a bit more before taking the field.
HAIRY SITUATIONS: While I’m not Steinbrenner militant in wanting any type of hair regulations, some of the do’s out there are just ridiculous. Case and point… that Manny guy. Remember him? His dreads are ridiculous. I bet that when he comes back from his suspension, he’ll be sportin’ a new do.
Another former Red Sox, Bronson Arroyo is guilty of the biggest hair-do faux pas. Remember this one? Someone forgot to tell him that he was white.
BEJEWELED: Diamonds are a girl’s best friend. Seems that in the MLB, lanyard, pooka beads and the like are the favorite adornment of the dudes. People please.. get the god damn beach off your neck. And while we’re at it, the 4th grade crafts class necklace sucks too. I honestly don’t care if they’re in your team colors.
BEST FACE FORWARD: Facial hair. Some can grow it, some can’t. I am not a fan of the Amish goatee (goatee missing the ‘stache), nor am I a fan of the ’70’s bush bushy style goatee. It looks like a toilet bowl brush, which, I guess makes sense seeing that most people take a good Youk in the toilet.
BRING THE THROWBACKS BACK: What we need are some seriously good, batting helmet poppin’ afros (white boys included) and good ‘staches. (Giambi showed us what a good ‘stache can do to a guy’s game.) Fortunately, what started as a bet in the Triple A’s, turned into a renaissance for the ‘stache Rollie Fingers made famous. Young Clay Zavada, we salute you. (Editor’s Note: I had inserted a link of Clay Zavada’s interview on ESPN about his ‘stache.. but they’ve since moved it. Damn ESPN. Zavada’s spoke word hasn’t made it to You Tube yet. Sorry kids.)
Speaking of throwbacks, the first guy who proposed to me (I turned him down) had a Rollie Fingers ‘stache. And since we’ve seen the likenesses of Angry Ward and Maria, I figure it’s only fair for you to know what I look like too. Put on your finest, kids – and happy Friday.
Cookie, like 7 fifths of the MTM staff, was brought in by The Franchise (Angry Ward). They met sitting near each other at a NY Rangers game. She's our Angelina Jolie in "Mr. & Mrs. Smith" - by day the fetching wife and young mother of two little boys; by night the hot, sports fanatic that mixes in triathlons and X-Treme sports with her love for the Yankees, Brooklyn Nets, NY Rangers and... Denver Broncos. She is, like most of the rotation, more than a bit sassy, bakes like nobody's business and is one smart... Cookie. She too, needs to be in a bikini as often as possible.