FBI HEADQUARTERS, WASHINGTON, DC – With all of the gripes about the current version of the New York Mets and their lack of heart and/or hustle, the voices of tortured fans are often heard to ask:
â€œWhy canâ€™t they be more like the â€™86 Mets?!?â€
While these queries are mostly answered with a simple â€œMa, will you siddown and shaddup?!â€ it still leads one to wonder whatever became of that beloved club. Now, through the most advanced Federal Bureau of Investigation tracking devicesâ€”mainly wikipedia and other shady web sourcesâ€”we catch up with the 1986 Mets. Well, most of â€™em anyway.
â€¢Rick Aguilera: Now kicking back in Rancho Santa Fe (or Rancho Relaxo, as some call it), California, Rick coaches high school baseball. His other interests include, God, his family, God, real estate, God, and various other Christian-related pursuits.
â€¢Wally Backman: The fiery Backman now manages the Joliet Jackhammers of the independent Northern League. His coaching staff includes former Met and Expo Floyd Youmans as well as a bench coach named Bubber Birdsong.
â€¢Gary Carter: After shamelessly campaigning for Willie Randolphâ€™s job, when Willie still held it, â€œThe Kidâ€ is now managing the Long Island Ducks and an Olive Garden in Sayville. Word has it that Willie Randolph is gunning for his jobâ€¦ at the Olive Garden. Stay tuned.
â€¢Ron Darling: Currently enjoying a broadcasting timeshare with buddies Gary Cohen and Keith Hernandez.
â€¢Lenny Dykstra: Lenny went completely insane after playing for the Phillies. (No surprise there.) But while losing his marbles, â€œNailsâ€ also made a pile of cash in such ventures as â€œTeam Dykstra Quick Lube and Car Washâ€ as well as by playing the stock market. He also started an ill-conceived lifestyle and business magazine for athletes called The Players Club, not realizing that professional athletes donâ€™t read. Lenny is facing mounting financial woes and lawsuits aplenty.
â€¢Kevin Elster: At last check, Elster was planning on opening a bar in Vegas with the unfortunate name of â€œHootie.â€ With any luck, Lenny Dykstra talked him out of it.
â€¢Sid Fernandez: Moved back to Hawaii where he runs the Sid Fernandez Foundation. This foundation offers college scholarships to students from Fernandezâ€™s old high school. No word on Sidâ€™s current weight or whether he wears a more figure-flattering grass skirt.
â€¢Dwight Gooden: Is currently considering dating Jennifer Aniston.
â€¢Ed Hearn: According to the New York Times, Ed is a â€œHall of Famer in the Game of Life.â€ Donâ€™t believe me? Click this.
â€¢Danny Heep: Is the baseball coach for the University of the Incarnate Word in San Antonio, Texas. There is certainly something to say about this, but Iâ€™m still haunted by Ed Hearnâ€™s website.
â€¢Keith Hernandez: Keith has managed to stay in the game, thanks to Just for Men, hair and mustache treatments. Heâ€™s also a snappy dresser who enjoys a nice meal with an amusing wine. His dislikes include cold weather and phony people.
â€¢Davey Johnson: Recently managed Team USA in the World Baseball Classic. Davey is 66 years young.
â€¢Howard Johnson: Current Mets hitting coach. Swears that he had nothing to do with the sad closing of Howard Johnsonâ€™s in Times Square.
â€¢Ray Knight: Ray is working as a studio analyst for something called the Mid-Atlantic Sports Network. This station broadcasts both the Washington Nationals and Baltimore Orioles. Covering these teams makes Ray want to just haul off and punch Eric Davis in the face.
â€¢Lee Mazzilli: Worked briefly for SNY before being fired for not being fat, bald, or loud enough. In fairness though, he had all the personality of Yul Brynner in “Westworld.” Heâ€™s now hoping to catch on with a touring company of â€œTony and Tinaâ€™s Weddingâ€ or date Jennifer Aniston.
â€¢Roger McDowell: The Metsâ€™ celebrated practical joker is at it again. Heâ€™s now pitching coach for the Atlanta Braves. Hilarious! The Braves! What will he think of next?
â€¢Kevin Mitchell: Mitchell is currently playing for the San Diego Black Sox in something called the San Diego Adult Baseball League. This all sounds a tad risquÃ©, but maybe we can still get a game between Mitchellâ€™s club and the Harlem Shaskys?
â€¢Bob Ojeda: Bobby O, is now in the SNY studio, though network suits are not happy about his full head of hair and some viewers have complained that his Oompa Loompa tan is wreaking havoc with their HDTVs.
â€¢Jesse Orosco: Currently in seclusion on the Sangre de Cristo Mountains in New Mexico, Jesse is still a more viable left-handed relief option than Billy Wagner.
â€¢Rafael Santana: Was last seen managing the AA Birmingham Barons. Reportedly left the team after it became clear that there was no subway for him to take to work.
â€¢Doug Sisk: Sound editor, Meetthematts.com
â€¢Darryl Strawberry: SNY analyst and published author, Straw is also currently being considered as a â€œReplacement Matt,â€ audition pending.
â€¢Tim Teufel: Manager, St. Lucie Mets. Also, featured prominently at Citi Field. https://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/mets_fans_perplexed_by_new
â€¢Mookie Wilson: William Hayward Wilson remains an American icon and Renaissance man. He gives free baseball clinics, signs autographs, and also has a license to drive big rigs.
Mets down Phils. Sox skunk Yanks. A good night’s sleep is had by all. More pointless blather next week. In the meantime, brace yourselves for the dynamite double-play combination of Maria At Bat tomorrow and Cookieâ€™s Corner on Friday.
NOTE FROM MTM MANAGEMENT: Winners of the Interleague Ticket Giveaway Trivia Contest will be posted by 7PM.