YOUR LOCAL BALLPARK, USA – Well, I’m FINALLY headed to the new Yankee Stadium on Sunday to view our beloved NY teams go head to head in baseball. After Thursday night’s losses for both teams, the good news is that one of these teams has to win when playing the other and it will inspire all sorts of lively banter on this fine site, the likes of which we have not seen since the Yankee Joe v. Yankees Suck trivia smack down of this week.
LOVE ALERT!: Rumor has it that serial dater (and wrist slashing inspiration) Kate Hudson is dating Alex Rodriguez. Kate was seen at a Yankee game a few weeks ago, cheering loudly for A-Rod. She was also spotted ducking into an NYC bar to check out the Yankee game on TV and was ‘cheering loudly’ when A-Rod smacked a hit. This should last as long as a bottle of home made Kahlua in jgclancy’s fridge after a home made eggplant parmesan meal.
A PERFECT BIT of complimentary entertainment here would be changing the ground’s crew song and dance to the Village People’s ‘YMCA’ to ‘BALCO.’ This can be done at any stadium across the country where someone is suspected of, or found guilty of doing steroids. Unfortunately that means it will be in virtually every ballpark in our fair land.
Speaking of attending games, I’m kind of growing tired of the games and other silly entertainment antics at the stadiums these days. Thus, in the spirit of being merry and fun, I’ve decided to post some touches of good gossip and suggested alternatives for some of the entertainment at our stadiums. Worlds collide here kids. Hang on.
PLANES TRAINS AND BULLPEN CARS: Recently there have been a series of transportation disasters, or near disasters (Captain Chelsea Sullenberger.. someone should name a pair of adult diapers after him). The Yanks have the great train race between the B, D and 4; the Mets have that plane race thing. I think that in the spirit of being New York fans (and thus, being tough on our teams when they deserve it) the train and plane races should be changed. We should have each train or plane driven by three players (or coaches) from our teams who are really doing poorly during that week. Each train or plane will race.. and the losing vehicle.. will explode. I am thinking that both Jerry Manuel and Chien Mein Wang will have a spot at the helms of said vehicles.
HILTY GOES HARDT AND GOES HOME: For those of you not in the know, Paris Hilton has dumped Doug Reinhardt. And for those of you who don’t know who he is, in 2007 he signed with the Baltimore Orioles (aka.. the ‘Uh Oh’s’), played for a season and since has not been playing due to injury. (For some visual Ambien, go to www.dougreinhardt.com.) He’s otherwise whored himself out on TV and had been whoring himself up with Miss Hilton. Rumor has it they were caught getting pretty hot and heavy in a VIP room of a club at Cannes. Seems that now she’s got another combo of sex and movie under her belt, he’s getting the called third strike. My guess is that when hunky Doug decides to get back into baseball, he’d be best suited with a locker next to the other all-american heartthrob, David Wright.
ANOTHER PERFECT BIT o’entertainment here would be to those lame marriage proposals on the big screens at baseball stadiums. Instead of paying to propose, couples can submit their best sex tapes and the winner will get to propose on the big screen. Regardless, everyone still gets to boo and say ‘NO!!!’
BIG HEADED: Big head bigot and crazy loon bird, Mel Gibson has split from his wife and taken up with one younger, Russian hottie Oksana Grigorieva. Recent skuttlebutt even says she’s expecting his child. (That will make the eighth kid for Mel, making him the OctoDad… he self proclaimed that on late night TV.)
SPEAKING OF BIG HEADS, aren’t mascots fun??? I actually wish that here in NY we had some racing mascots akin to the Racing Sausages (of Wisconsin Walt’s beloved Brewers) or Racing Pierogies (of the Pittsburgh Pirates). It’d be fabulous. We could race mascots with gigantic heads representing the egos of, say… A-Rod and lower c… or should that be Beltran. And while we’re on mascots and big heads, did anyone notice that with the new specs Terry Francona looks like Beeker from the Muppets?
GOV’T GIVE CAR COMPANIES A ‘CHUTE (as in parachute): So, the government now owns 60% of GM. I seriously wonder why Carlos Beltran (who, as the Matts have informed us, has car dealerships named after him in Spain) can’t just bail out the auto industry. Seriously.. the dude has enough money.
ANOTHER FUN GAME is CHUTES and LADDERS. You know.. the game where you land on a chute and you SLIIIIIIDE a bunch of spots forward?? I am thinking that perhaps a great stadium give-away at U.S. Taxpayer Field would be ‘Beltran Board Game Day.’ Each fan would receive a game of Chutes and Ladders, customized with bits o’ Beltran. Every Met fan could make Beltran slide… since he doesn’t seem to know how to do it himself. Speaking of board games.. I wondered how that Milton Bradley was doing. BA .215… hmm.. not so good. He’s still sportin’ that great smile though.
SING A SONG OF PATRIOTIC INSPIRATION: Susan Boyle move over. Adam Lambert is gay? Until someone pointed out here who he was, I thought he was a player on the Phillies. Yankee fans are accustomed to hearing big lunged (and dead) Kate Smith belt out ‘God Bless America’ during an unnecessarily long 7th inning stretch. We’ve discussed it here before and I think many will agree that enough is enough. We’re all patriotic, but this ain’t the national anthem and it’s time to retire it. Instead, I say we show our patriotism by using this pause to inspire. After all, inspiration helps us achieve.. and in our capitalist society.. we’re all about achieving. We should have a 7th inning inspirational speech. No one else could be as inspirational as our very own fave, Wally Backman. (‘Now get out there and sign some froggin’ autographs!)
COTTON EYE YANKEE JOE SUCKS: This week, Corporal Agorn brought us the BIGGEST scoop this side of tinseltown. With one line, he unearthed the truth. Yankee Joe and Yankee Sucks are indeed siamese twins bearing the full name Yankee Joe Sucks. I’m really sick of hearing ‘Cotton Eye Joe’ and have no idea how this got started. The Yankees are the farthest thing away from corn shucking, tobacco chewing, southern hee haws I can think of. However, I’ll take the fast talking, auctioneer aspect of southern lore and would like to employ Nick Swisher as the new GM. During the 7th inning stretch, he can offer up (auction style) the names of players the Yanks might like to sell off.
HATS OFF TO YA: The Mets’ beloved Bobby Valentine is now coaching a Japanese team called the Chiba Lotte Marines. In Thursdays game, his team scored 15 runs in the first inning. Hats off to ya Bobby. Ahh.. that Home Run hat with the apple at Shea.. I mean.. Citi Field. Really, when they redid that thing, they needed to just replace the apple with a giant replica of Bobby Valentine’s head. Honestly, what would be better for Met fans than celebrating a home run and then seeing Bobby Valentine’s giant cranium?
And so it ends as we look forward to a weekend and Yanks/Mets series. If anyone is headed out there on Sunday, I’ll see you at the game!