by Sam’s-A-Fan

Pittsburgh, PA – Travel-weary baseball players rely on their Traveling Secretaries to give them a chance at sleeping well on the road. The New York Mets apparently have a new Assistant to the Traveling Secretary, with George Costanza-like skills at that position. This new front office paper pusher booked the Mets into a hotel in Pittsburgh being shared by attendees of Anthrocon 2009, the night before playing a make-up game with the Pirates for a previously rained out contest. The attendees of this Anthrocon are fans of, according to Wikipedia, fictional anthropomorphic animal characters with human personalities and characteristics. They are also known as “Furries.” According to ABC News many Mets players were disturbed by the antics of these costume clad conventioneers who cavorted in and about the hotel all night.

“If you as an adult still occasionally like to flip to the old cartoons, or have a stuffed animal sitting on the dashboard of your car, or buy cereal because it has a cool tiger on the box, you may well enjoy what our fandom has to offer.”

Now, Wikipedia and other sources had a lot to say about this disturbing movement, but I’ve always preferred to learn about the world from TV, and I figure the more entertaining the more informative. So all I ever needed to know about Furries, I learned from a special episode of HBO’s Entourage titled The Day Froggers wherein Johnny Drama sets Turtle up for a tryst with a woman he found on Craig’s List in order to win a $5,000 bet with his brother Vinnie. What I learned is that these degenerate furverts prefer to get dressed up as Roger Rabbit and his friends from Toon Town and then do what bunnies do best.

So, the Mets in the midst of a long painful road trip made longer by the need to play a game in the Steel City on what would have been their off-day, checked into a hotel only to be kept up by the sounds of the cast of Bambi enjoying some sky rockets in flight (see below).

Anyway, the Mets were able to dig deep and battle the Pirates and rain delays and managed to come back – TWICE – all while having to banish the vision of Brer Rabbit mounting a Care Bear -TWICE- on top of the ice machine next to the fire exit down the hall from the team’s block of rooms. The error on the part of the teams Assistant to the Traveling Secretary in booking the Mets into this hotel could have been devastating, but can be understood as just one more indication of a franchise lost in the tall weeds. But this error did more than put the Mets one game win streak in jeopardy, it also unwittingly blew the cover off of what turns out to be the most disturbing aspect of this story:

SNY’s very own Kevin Burkhardt is himself one of these fur loving fetishists*.

The story on ABC News has Burkhardt amorously attached to a Furrie that he referred to in a “Tweet” or “Twitter” as a “Ralph Wiggum Beaver.” The fact that Burkhardt gets his rocks off tapping the bushy tails of rainbow colored woodland creatures* is disturbing enough, but his need to heighten the perversion by bestowing upon the object of his desire the additional character traits of Springfield’s own Ralphie “My cat’s breath smells like catfood” Wiggum, makes it clear that this crucial member of the SNY broadcast staff is the worst kind of psychosexual deviant around*.

That a factotum from the front office could fudge up the works of an organization that stresses ignoring the fundamentals of baseball on a daily basis to such a degree should come as no surprise, but that a major league boner such as the one the new Assistant to the Traveling Secretary pulled should bring shame to the clean cut face of sideline reporting at Citifield is indeed a shock that won’t soon be forgotten.

*Prevarications all. Embellished and contrived based on made-up facts.

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