by West Coast Craig
LOS ANGELES, CA –
- The Dodgers were a second rate team
Until the Manny came on the scene
A Boston cast off, back from exile
Los Angeles would be home for awhile
But then his contract was in the air
And the economy gave teams a scare
So Manny came back and back in style
Dodger fans again could smile
And when it seemed he learned humility
The Manny tested positive for female fertility.
Manny Manny he’s the pro
Manny Manny…dios mio!
(The Manny was taped in front of a live stadium audience. Previous episodes may be read in the West Coast Craig Archives.)
ANDREA’S BEDROOM. MORNING.
The clock reads 6:30. Andrea is sleeping peacefully. Suddenly the door opens and in steps…
JUAN PIERRE
Wakey wakey!
He blows Revele on a bugle.
ANDREA
Huh?! What?! What time is it?
JUAN PIERRE
Time to get up! Day’s a wasting! We’ve got a lot planned!
ANDREA
Ugh…it’s summer vacation, Juanny. Can’t I sleep in?
JUAN PIERRE
Early bird gets the worm! Let’s go, up and at ‘em…let’s get that worm!
CUT TO:
TORRE’S KITCHEN.
Joe Torre is sitting at the table setting the last domino up in an enormous, super elaborate, Rube-Goldberg-esque system of dominos and levers and ramps and pulleys. It spells out in wonderful cursive, “Happy Birthday, Frank!â€
ANDREA
Dad! This is amazing, have you been up all night working on this?
JOE
Is it morning…oh geez, look at that. Geez. Well, I finally finished it…Mr. McCourt is coming over later this morning and I wanted to surprise him for his birthday.
JUAN PIERRE
You must be starving, Coach! Let me make you some eggs!
He starts cooking, when Torre’s mother-in-law, AGNES MOOREHEAD pops in.
AGNES MOOREHEAD
Morning Andrea. Morning Derwood. Morning Savoir Faire.
JUAN PIERRE
Agnes, we’ve been over this…it’s Juan Pierre!
JOE TORRE
Don’t bother, Juanny…
AGNES MOOREHEAD
Just finish my eggs, wouldja, Au Contraire.
Juan Pierre sighs and gets back to it. He sets a couple of plates down.
ANDREA
Hey Juanny, could you pass me the ketchup?
Juan Pierre grabs a bottle from the fridge, winds up, and throws it to her…but it’s a ridiculously weak throw, landing in the middle of the dominoes and sending them scattering all over the place. Joe looks devastated. Juan Pierre is horrified. Agnes Moorehead snickers as she digs into her eggs.
CUT TO:
DODGER STADIUM. Dawn. Third Base Line.
Juan Pierre is rolling baseballs down the line to see how they break. Andrea is standing at the other end, collecting them.
ANDREA
Is this where the worms are?
JUAN PIERRE
Yup, and any one of them could knock one of my bunts fair or foul.
POP! Appearing beside Andrea, floating in the air, is THE GREAT BAMBINO, a small, green, Babe Ruth looking alien creature in a funky space costume. A cool looking space ship appears next to him on the grass.
THE GREAT BAMBINO
Hello Andrea, ready to travel about in our new time machine?
ANDREA
Hey Bambino! Yeah, this day was shaping up to be a real downer. Maybe we can go back to the time of the dinosaurs!
THE GREAT BAMBINO
You got it, babe! One…Two…Skidoooo…..
WHAM! He gets slammed by a ball off the bat of Juan Pierre, and goes flipping through the air.
JUAN PIERRE
Got him! Stay outta here ya little punk! Andrea’s got a lot to do today.
THE GREAT BAMBINO
Owwwwww…sorry Andrea, maybe another time…
ANDREA
No! Wait! I want to see dinosaurs!
Too late, The Great Bambino and his time machine POP! out of existence.
CUT TO:
DODGER STADIUM PARKING LOT
JUAN PIERRE
Don’t take it so hard, Andrea. We’ve got lots of work ahead of us today…but I called up some old friends who agreed to give us a ride in a pretty famous car…
Just then, with the familiar horn blasting “Wish I Was In A Land Of Cotton,” THE GENERAL LEE (see bottom) comes roaring up and does a bootlegger’s skid in front of them.
ANDREA
Oh boy, it’s Bo and Luke Duke!
JUAN PIERRE
Uh, actually…
Sliding out the windows, it’s the Duke boys, but not Bo and Luke…it’s their “cousins†Coy and Vance. Andrea is visibly disappointed.
COY
I heard there’s a little girl who needs a ride to school to get in some extra-curricular work!
Andrea’s disappointment turns to horror. She reluctantly climbs through the window and the General Lee very slowly pulls away, making sure to turn on its blinker before merging into traffic.
CUT TO:
SCHOOL CLASSROOM
And teaching the class is ROGER PHILLIPS…Richie Cunningham’s cousin who came to stay with the Cunninghams and Fonzie when Richie inexplicably left to direct movies.
ROGER PHILLIPS
Andrea, I thought today we’d study something fun!
JUAN PIERRE
Good idea, Roger! See, Andrea, fun!
ANDREA
Joy.
ROGER PHILLIPS
Since North Korea has been in the news a lot lately, I thought maybe we could study about one of the 20th Century’s third or fourth most important conflicts, the Korean War!
Andrea just drops her head onto her desk. This is a nightmare. But then, POP! the Great Bambino appears in the classroom with his time machine.
THE GREAT BAMBINO
Perhaps I can be of assistance, Mr. Phillips!
ROGER PHILLIPS and JUAN PIERRE
Okay!
Andrea looks hopeful, maybe things won’t turn out so badly after all. They all climb into the Time Machine, which starts spinning and spinning and…
CUT TO:
KOREA. 1950s
It kind of looks like the Santa Monica Mountains, in the 1970s…though there are a number of green army tents with big red crosses on them.
ANDREA
Hey, I know this place…this is M*A*S*H! Excellent! Can we go see Hawkeye and Trapper and Colonel Blake!? Oh, and my favorite, Frank Burns!
Unfortunately, it’s not Frank Burns who walks up to them, it’s…
MAJOR WINCHESTER
Sorry, little girl, but that neer-do-well Pierce is in Seoul on leave, and I don’t know any Trapper…but B.J. Honeycutt is in Colonel Potter’s office at the moment if you want to see them.
ANDREA
Nooooooooo!
The Great Bambino has seen enough, and whisks our visitors back into the ship, which starts spinning and spinning again…
CUT TO:
ANDREA’S BEDROOM
6:30 in the morning. She bolts straight up in bed, looks at the clock, then looks at the door, expecting Revele any minute…
But it doesn’t happen. She cautiously gets out of bed and goes out into…
TORRE”S KITCHEN
Where Joe Torre has been up all night, and is putting the final touches upon a giant house of cards he’s been meticulously building.
ANDREA
Dad? I had the strangest dream. Manny was gone, and…
Just then, Juan Pierre comes storming into the kitchen, the breeze from the opening door gently rocks the house of cards, terrifying Joe Torre, but they don’t fall. He lets out a sigh of relief.
JUAN PIERRE
Good morning, everybody! Who wants eggs?!
Andrea is stunned…maybe it wasn’t a dream after all…
But then MANNY comes in, still wearing his Albuquerque Isotopes jersey. He does a twirl and his dreads spin around…and destroy Joe Torre’s house of cards.
MANNY
Oh Dios Mio!
The soundtrack gives a big roar of approval and a sustained applause.
JOE TORRE
Oh don’t worry Manny, I’ve only been building that house of cards for fifty games now…but I don’t think that’s a sign or anything.
ANDREA
Manny!
She runs into his arms for a big hug. Juan Pierre finishes cooking the eggs.
JUAN PIERRE
Here are the eggs. So, Coach, I’ve been making breakfast, making sure Andrea gets all her summer schooling done, kept this house running, helped the team to the best record in all of baseball while hitting .321 with 22 stolen bases and a .788 OPS. You still need me?
Joe looks at how happy Andrea is with Manny and gently shakes his head.
JOE TORRE
Sorry, Juanny…it’s back to the bench with you. Everybody loves Manny!
On cue, the laugh track gives another sustained applause as the image freeze frames.
THE END.
