by West Coast Craig
LOS ANGELES, CA –
- The Dodgers were a second rate team
Until the Manny came on the scene
A Boston cast off, back from exile
Los Angeles would be home for awhile
But then his contract was in the air
And the economy gave teams a scare
So Manny came back and back in style
Dodger fans again could smile
And when it seemed he learned humility
The Manny tested positive for female fertility.
Manny Manny heâ€™s the pro
Manny Mannyâ€¦dios mio!
(The Manny was taped in front of a live stadium audience. Previous episodes may be read in the West Coast Craig Archives.)
ANDREAâ€™S BEDROOM. MORNING.
The clock reads 6:30. Andrea is sleeping peacefully. Suddenly the door opens and in stepsâ€¦
He blows Revele on a bugle.
Huh?! What?! What time is it?
Time to get up! Dayâ€™s a wasting! Weâ€™ve got a lot planned!
Ughâ€¦itâ€™s summer vacation, Juanny. Canâ€™t I sleep in?
Early bird gets the worm! Letâ€™s go, up and at â€˜emâ€¦letâ€™s get that worm!
Joe Torre is sitting at the table setting the last domino up in an enormous, super elaborate, Rube-Goldberg-esque system of dominos and levers and ramps and pulleys. It spells out in wonderful cursive, â€œHappy Birthday, Frank!â€
Dad! This is amazing, have you been up all night working on this?
Is it morningâ€¦oh geez, look at that. Geez. Well, I finally finished itâ€¦Mr. McCourt is coming over later this morning and I wanted to surprise him for his birthday.
You must be starving, Coach! Let me make you some eggs!
He starts cooking, when Torreâ€™s mother-in-law, AGNES MOOREHEAD pops in.
Morning Andrea. Morning Derwood. Morning Savoir Faire.
Agnes, weâ€™ve been over thisâ€¦itâ€™s Juan Pierre!
Donâ€™t bother, Juannyâ€¦
Just finish my eggs, wouldja, Au Contraire.
Juan Pierre sighs and gets back to it. He sets a couple of plates down.
Hey Juanny, could you pass me the ketchup?
Juan Pierre grabs a bottle from the fridge, winds up, and throws it to herâ€¦but itâ€™s a ridiculously weak throw, landing in the middle of the dominoes and sending them scattering all over the place. Joe looks devastated. Juan Pierre is horrified. Agnes Moorehead snickers as she digs into her eggs.
DODGER STADIUM. Dawn. Third Base Line.
Juan Pierre is rolling baseballs down the line to see how they break. Andrea is standing at the other end, collecting them.
Is this where the worms are?
Yup, and any one of them could knock one of my bunts fair or foul.
POP! Appearing beside Andrea, floating in the air, is THE GREAT BAMBINO, a small, green, Babe Ruth looking alien creature in a funky space costume. A cool looking space ship appears next to him on the grass.
THE GREAT BAMBINO
Hello Andrea, ready to travel about in our new time machine?
Hey Bambino! Yeah, this day was shaping up to be a real downer. Maybe we can go back to the time of the dinosaurs!
THE GREAT BAMBINO
You got it, babe! Oneâ€¦Twoâ€¦Skidooooâ€¦..
WHAM! He gets slammed by a ball off the bat of Juan Pierre, and goes flipping through the air.
Got him! Stay outta here ya little punk! Andreaâ€™s got a lot to do today.
THE GREAT BAMBINO
Owwwwwwâ€¦sorry Andrea, maybe another timeâ€¦
No! Wait! I want to see dinosaurs!
Too late, The Great Bambino and his time machine POP! out of existence.
DODGER STADIUM PARKING LOT
Donâ€™t take it so hard, Andrea. Weâ€™ve got lots of work ahead of us todayâ€¦but I called up some old friends who agreed to give us a ride in a pretty famous carâ€¦
Just then, with the familiar horn blasting â€œWish I Was In A Land Of Cotton,” THE GENERAL LEE (see bottom) comes roaring up and does a bootleggerâ€™s skid in front of them.
Oh boy, itâ€™s Bo and Luke Duke!
Sliding out the windows, itâ€™s the Duke boys, but not Bo and Lukeâ€¦itâ€™s their â€œcousinsâ€ Coy and Vance. Andrea is visibly disappointed.
I heard thereâ€™s a little girl who needs a ride to school to get in some extra-curricular work!
Andreaâ€™s disappointment turns to horror. She reluctantly climbs through the window and the General Lee very slowly pulls away, making sure to turn on its blinker before merging into traffic.
And teaching the class is ROGER PHILLIPSâ€¦Richie Cunninghamâ€™s cousin who came to stay with the Cunninghams and Fonzie when Richie inexplicably left to direct movies.
Andrea, I thought today weâ€™d study something fun!
Good idea, Roger! See, Andrea, fun!
Since North Korea has been in the news a lot lately, I thought maybe we could study about one of the 20th Centuryâ€™s third or fourth most important conflicts, the Korean War!
Andrea just drops her head onto her desk. This is a nightmare. But then, POP! the Great Bambino appears in the classroom with his time machine.
THE GREAT BAMBINO
Perhaps I can be of assistance, Mr. Phillips!
ROGER PHILLIPS and JUAN PIERRE
Andrea looks hopeful, maybe things wonâ€™t turn out so badly after all. They all climb into the Time Machine, which starts spinning and spinning andâ€¦
It kind of looks like the Santa Monica Mountains, in the 1970sâ€¦though there are a number of green army tents with big red crosses on them.
Hey, I know this placeâ€¦this is M*A*S*H! Excellent! Can we go see Hawkeye and Trapper and Colonel Blake!? Oh, and my favorite, Frank Burns!
Unfortunately, it’s not Frank Burns who walks up to them, it’s…
Sorry, little girl, but that neer-do-well Pierce is in Seoul on leave, and I donâ€™t know any Trapperâ€¦but B.J. Honeycutt is in Colonel Potterâ€™s office at the moment if you want to see them.
The Great Bambino has seen enough, and whisks our visitors back into the ship, which starts spinning and spinning againâ€¦
6:30 in the morning. She bolts straight up in bed, looks at the clock, then looks at the door, expecting Revele any minuteâ€¦
But it doesnâ€™t happen. She cautiously gets out of bed and goes out intoâ€¦
Where Joe Torre has been up all night, and is putting the final touches upon a giant house of cards heâ€™s been meticulously building.
Dad? I had the strangest dream. Manny was gone, andâ€¦
Just then, Juan Pierre comes storming into the kitchen, the breeze from the opening door gently rocks the house of cards, terrifying Joe Torre, but they donâ€™t fall. He lets out a sigh of relief.
Good morning, everybody! Who wants eggs?!
Andrea is stunnedâ€¦maybe it wasnâ€™t a dream after allâ€¦
But then MANNY comes in, still wearing his Albuquerque Isotopes jersey. He does a twirl and his dreads spin aroundâ€¦and destroy Joe Torreâ€™s house of cards.
Oh Dios Mio!
The soundtrack gives a big roar of approval and a sustained applause.
Oh donâ€™t worry Manny, Iâ€™ve only been building that house of cards for fifty games nowâ€¦but I donâ€™t think thatâ€™s a sign or anything.
She runs into his arms for a big hug. Juan Pierre finishes cooking the eggs.
Here are the eggs. So, Coach, Iâ€™ve been making breakfast, making sure Andrea gets all her summer schooling done, kept this house running, helped the team to the best record in all of baseball while hitting .321 with 22 stolen bases and a .788 OPS. You still need me?
Joe looks at how happy Andrea is with Manny and gently shakes his head.
Sorry, Juannyâ€¦itâ€™s back to the bench with you. Everybody loves Manny!
On cue, the laugh track gives another sustained applause as the image freeze frames.