WEST VILLAGE, NY – After watching the New York Mets get swept by Baseball’s worst team, the Washington Nationals,we were relieved to learn that Met Brass was finally serious about changing the club’s image. Apparently, all the recent good-will the Bronx Bombers have been doing – Jeter dating, A-Rod playing stickball, Jorge Posada wearing tuxedos – as reported in recent editorials by our very own Aristotle “Mugsy” Sakellaridis’, has forced the Mets into action.
- “We can’t let those damn Yankees drag… Uh, drag us down into obscurity, what with all the losing and stuff.” an anonymous Met executive.
In our overtly covert way, we pounced on this breaking story like Rex Ryan pounces on nachos grande with extra chili, and were able to get exclusive exposure -ahem – to the new look the players will be sporting on the road; one that will immediately make personnel seemingly more approachable to kids, women and… men. All men.
L-R: Lance Broadway, Bobby Parnell, Tobi Stoner, Physical Therapist John Zajac, Daniel Murphy, Josh Thole, Omir Santos
Before continuing, we need to point out a somewhat disturbing find: Obvioulsy pitcher Lance Broadway underperforms for the sole purpose of getting released. That way, he gets hazed by new clubs. This is from his Chi Sox days:
ANYWAY… With the new Met Mandate demanding players to be more inviting, scouts have been directed to scour teams with similar philosophies. As winning will NOT be the top priority, feelers have been inspecting pitchers & catchers and “… players in certain positions,” within organizations like the Padres, who know how to socialize in public. Any Padre package would include any or all of the fan-friendly nuts pictured here:
All could backfire on the beleaguered Met GM, however, as these Padre nuts are not necessarily potent. If that’s indeed the case, it could lead to an eventual sacking for Omar. (Yes, we’re working a little blue today).
The bottom line is that we are up for change of any kind when it comes to the local organisations. In fact, we’ll even undergo a radical makeover (suggestions are welcomed) if it will help any of our local teams – provided it doesn’t cost us any money. But we’re skeptical and the fact that Met pitchers Bobby Parnell and Ken Takahashi walked right by us without a word – as though we weren’t in the Marlin’s Visitor’s locker room – screams to us that while things may seem radically different, all is still basically status quo. Here’s proof:
Perhaps they need to look south, to Steinbrennervillle, the Castro of Tampa, to find proper replacements for the above Paris Hilton disciples. Certainly, the pitching staff could use a young gun like Tampa’s David Price:
If the purse for Price is too high, Minaya may have to really think outside the box and deal with the devil – the Philthydelphia Phillies for A.J. “The Gladiator” Happ:
That’s all for today, PLEASE TELL SOME PEOPLE ABOUT MTM, know your flattering dress patterns and prepare for Cookie’s Corner, tomorrow.
P.s… Safety will also be a priority. The team will make concussion-proof helmets mandatory. Hold onto your hats….