by Rex O’Rourke

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LOS ANGELES, CA – I have two ideas for some mid-season TV replacement shows. First of all, in true Hollywood fashion, what’s worth doing is worth overdoing. So, to cash in on all the vampire themed movies and TV shows, why don’t we cross over into the sports/vampire genre? I can think of a sports personality that would be perfectly cast as a vampire:


How about Al Davis as a vampire in his very own sitcom? Al Campesi, (played efforlessly by Mr. Davis, in his first role) a lifetime Raiders fan, owns Barkers Pet Shop, and all his pets are mysteriously listless and ineffectual, but he just keeps getting more and more listless and ineffectual pets until he becomes the laughing stock of the entire pet shop community. At night Al preys on Oakland’s thriving prostitute trade to sate his bloodlust and give his complexion a somewhat human glow. Wanda Sykes plays the wacky neighbor, Sandra Oh the Health Food store owner, and Hector Elizondo edgy Vietnam Veteran Chief Inspector Tico “Trench Foot” Trinchero. Queen Latifah kills as The Madam. Bring in John Cleese for an updated version of the Dead Parrot Sketch and this stuff writes itself. Sign on stoner director Jim Jarmusch and I’ll see you at the Emmys!

Next up, CSI-Flushing. An all-star cast of crime-solvers tries to figure out what’s going in The Mets front office. Capt. Jim “Murph” Galagher (ably portrayed by veteran actor Brian Dennehy) leads his crack team of investigators over to Citi Field to figure out just what-the-heck is going on with Omar Minaya (George Lopez, available as soon as his late night show is cancelled) and the father-son combo of Fred and Jeff Wilpon. The Mets owner and COO are played to comic perfection by Jonathan Winters and Robin Williams, respectively. Hollywood legend Hal Holbrook joins the cast and nails it as Bernie Madoff. Watch Murph’s minions wield their Sandy Koufax Signature Scalpels in The New York Giants Examination Room of The Leo Durocher Building in Jackie Robinson Police Plaza on Brooklyn Dodgers Way! Corey Haim and Corey Feldman have signed on as mulleted Sergeants Flip Kolawski and Jerry “One Ball” Malone. Keith Hernandez plays himself. This one’s sure to be the best CSI since CSI-Toledo.


As for Prognostication, yes, I know I went 0-3 last week to drop to 26-14-2 against the spread, but a gambler gets up off the canvas and kids himself that everything’s alright. I really don’t like any games this week except for The Colts (Thurs) and The SAINTS (Sat) but since I post on Sunday I guess I’ll go with The SEAHAWKS (-6.5) over The Buccaneers, The JETS (-6) over The Falcons, and The Dolphins (+3) over The TITANS.

Happy Festivus,

P.s… West Coast Craig, tomorrow.

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