Jaimee Grubbs… Rachel Uchitel… Kalika Moquin
“You know you have crazier sex on Ambien – you get into that Ambien haze. We have crazy Ambien sex.” – Rachel Uchitel
WINDEMERE, FL – We’ve all been remarkably quiet about our stray Tiger and his fiesty feline, the embarrassed Elin – basically because it’s just too easy. But after some shoddy due diligence and lackadaisical research, we’re ready to opine – to coin a fellow blowhard’s signature slogan. But first, let’s get to the cast and their roles in our Prowling Tiger, Pouncing Elin:
Rachel Uchitel: She lost her fiance in the 9/11 tragedy and subsequently had a nervous breakdown two years later. After marrying a childhood friend – another Wall Street guy – she divorced him after 4 months and hit Vegas. Prior to the other two girls coming out re Tiger-gate, she had this to say:
“I’ve been romantically linked to a famous baseball player, a Broadway star, a musician, and various film and television actors, [but] I will never kiss and tell.”
Despite her admitting she’s become a pincushion for celebs, she’s a tragic story and gets our sympathy – no joke. But you can tell how far-gone she is by the way everything is now done for the camera, including getting into a Town Car and talking to her lawyer at the airport just before reaching a million-plus deal with Woods:
Kalika Moquin: We don’t have much on Kalika yet. According to Life & Style, a Vegas NY Times: “They’ve hooked up a bunch of times. Tiger told Kalika that married life isn’t all it’s built up to be. He said he wasn’t happy in his marriage or his home life and that there was just so much pressure on him.” Stop the ride, we want to get off. Oy.
Jaimee Grubbs: She also sleeps around! Ohhhhhhhh!!! That was a layup and we ain’t no Charles Smiths! Jamiee, Jaimee, Jaimee… You are the best-looking of the bunch but you’re also the most blatantly opportunistic. We could write it off to you being the youngest but we won’t. You’ve got Tiger by the tail and yet you have to say he was horrible in bed? If he was so horrible, why did you have a 31-month affair with him and save his 300+ text messages? Slut. Ahem. Slut… [Cough, cough]… Even we don’t drink free beer if it’s skunked, Pumpkin. Wait, she’d do that too! OOOOhhhhhh!!!
Jesper Parnevik: He and his wifey fixed their nanny, Elin Nordegren, up with a young Tiger Woods. Jesper isn’t happy with Tiger’s Transgressions:
“I feel really sorry for Elin. I would be especially sad about it since… since me and my wife were at fault for hooking her up with him. We probably thought he was a better guy than he is. I would probably need to apologize… and hope she uses a driver next time instead of the 3-iron.”
We were with Parnevik 100% until he came continued and let this one go: “It’s a private thing… But when you are the world’s best athlete, you should think more before you do stuff. And maybe not just do it, like Nike says.” Hey, Parnsie – great ending but world’s best athlete?! Easy, guy. It’s golf. Tiger is the world’s best golfer. That’s a step up from world’s best bowler.
Barbro Holmberg & Kultida Woods: The moms were both at Tiger World when the club was swinging! Now, we don’t want to judge or sterotype, but Swedish and Asian dames are notorious for letting their men stray. We’re just sayin’. Just ask Mrs. Sean Connery and Mrs Tom Jones. Did we mention that both these matriarchs were divorced from their straying husbands? Cookie, Mrs. Matt, Missy-Jill, Linda, janet… Please weigh in on this convoluted theory of ours. Still, it can’t be pleasant in that house for a horny, caged Tiger. Think about that.
Elin Nordegrenerneson: It’s her putt, it’s a gimme and she’s already guaranteed $80+ million before she even approaches the cup. She’s also HOT. A lot hotter than the aforementioned chippies. Did we mention that her man is a billionaire?
Tiger Woods: He’s got the cash to basically feed three countries. He certainly has enough to tear up the existing prenuptial and go the Kobe Way with diamonds, pearls and a nice new contract. In fact, a Chicago paper reports that T-Wood remained in his waterfront home for a seventh successive day and has offered his 29-year-old wife an incentive laden sports type contract: 5 million to stay married and a 75 million bonus if she stays with him for another seven years. Throw in a house and cable and we’re in!
Suffice to say, it’ll be interesting to see Tiger back on the links. Will he be allowed to play all holes and will he grip his shaft differently? Only time will tell… Yes, we went there.
Crouching Rex O’Rourke and his stellar NFL picks, tomorrow.