TIMES SQUARE, NY – Larry King pinch hitting for Grote once again and gladly ringing in the New Year with my MTM’s family… I just returned from Gold Diggers resort on Turks and Caicos where Tiger Woods and I counted down the new year as we watched the Balloon Boy drop in his Jiffy Pop spacecraft… Tiger and I played in a foursome down there and I don’t mean golf, but I can’t swing like I used to so I had to quit after 2 holes… Each New Year’s I find inspiration from my buddy Dick Clark making out with his Shiksa wife on national TV

If it wasn’t for the constant layer of fresh drool on his chin and the inaudible gargle when he speaks you would swear that Dick was twenty nine years old… Which reminds me of a riddle my friend Roman Polanski asked me a few years back “What’s the best thing about having sex with twenty nine year olds? There’s twenty of them”… All kidding aside Ryan Seacrest did a great ventriloquist act last night with his Dick Clark dummy

I had an easier time keeping kosher at my old friend Yassar Arafat’s house than Bob Arum is having closing the deal on the Floyd Mayweather/Manny Pacquiao fight… That Filipino will have to clean a lot of toilets to make up the money he’ll be missing out on for this bout… One resolution I have this year is to introduce Elin Nordegren to Kate Hudson, there’s a lot comforting to be done there… I’ve always detested sitting next to most Middle Eastern Muslims on airplanes due to the foul odor but now they’re trying to blow up the planes as well, where’s J. Edgar Hoover when you need him?… I have indentations in my shoulders from these damn suspenders… Here’s wishing a safe and speedy recovery to Sergio Garcia from his hand injury… I recently figured out Sergio’s Spanish nickname “El Nino” translates into English as “The Nino”… You didn’t hear it from me but rumor has it Jason Bay signed with the Mets only to be closer to Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, talk about a shore thing…

Just to prove my good buddy Dick Clark still has it I’ve included his thrilling countdown from last night:

That’s all for now please remember to keep up with me on my Twitter account where this month I’ll recap from the throne all that has happened between bowel movements, to be know as Sh**ter Twitters…

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