You’re going down Fox. At least that’s what we’re hoping. See #34.
NEW YORK, NY – Seeing as how the Super Bowl halftime show sparked such a spirited debate here on Monday, we’re visiting NFL HQ in New York to pitch some alternative concepts for next year’s big game. Don’t get us wrong, we’re all for rock n’ rollers working well into their golden years, but it seems like a little variety might be just the thing to get folks excited about football’s most-watched intermission all over again. Anyway, here’s what we came up with.
1) Iron Butterfly performing “In a Gadda Da Vida.” One song. Entire halftime taken care of.
2) Open tryouts for the starting catcher and first baseman positions for the New York Mets. America votes.
3) Bugs Bunny on Ice. This was always a crowd-pleaser at the old Felt Forum.
4) The Joe Franklin Show: Guests include, J. Geils Band, the Fabulous Hildegarde and Morris Katz. Joe’s office door is always open. Why not pop in for a visit.
5) Sofia Vergara reads the love sonnets of William Shakespeare… in a bikini.
6) Just show the episode of The Flintstones where Fred and Barney have to spend the night in Fred’s Uncle Giggles’ spooky house. (A tiny picture of Uncle Giggles is better than none at all)
7) A jgclancy demonstration on making your own kahlua.
#8 Up with People. C’mon, tell me you don’t miss the halftime schmaltz just a little bit.
9) Captain Robbie Knievel jumps over the NFL’s biggest a**hole… Jerry Jones.
10) A global intervention for Lindsay Lohan.
11) Nathan’s NFL Hot Dog Eating Contest. Featuring players and coaches, this should just replace the Pro Bowl.
12) Monkeys on rollerskates. (Mr. Teeny)
13) Public execution of the entire Jersey Shore cast.
14) Punt, Pass, and Kick for midgets.
15) William Shatner sings, Rocket Man, Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds, and Mr. Tambourine Man.
16) Friar’s Club Roast of Stephen Hawking.
17) Rosie O’Donnell’s Big Gay Halftime Hoedown.
18) Four words: Omar Minaya Dunk Tank.
19) Jim Lange hosts The Dating Game.
20) Jello Wrestling: Angry Ward vs. Christina Hendricks.
There are worse things than being pinned by Ms. Hendricks.
21) The Magic of Doug Henning as performed by David Copperfield.
22) Guinness Book of World’s Records’ Longest Italian Combo Sub attempt.
23) A message for the people of earth from space alien Mariano Rivera:
“Greetings humans. I come in peace… unless Cashman doesn’t pay me. Then all bets are off.”
24) Ozzie Guillen presents “Up Yours America: A Salute to Expletives.”
25) Academy Awards presentations for technical categories.
26) Mass Unification Church Wedding performed by the Reverend Sun Myung Moon.
27) Jose Canseco/Roger Clemens roid-fueled steel cage death match.
28) The comedy stylings of Mr. Yakov Smirnoff.
29) Yankee Joe sings Air Supply’s greatest love songs.
30) Celebrity Jeopardy featuring Manny Ramirez, Sarah Palin, and Gary Coleman.
31) Just show the last 20 minutes of Planet of the Apes.
32) Joan Rivers’ latest plastic surgery procedure… Live!
33) The 9/11 Terror Trial Verdict. (Bad idea maybe, but what ratings!)
34) Hot Oil Wrestling: Angry Ward vs. Megan Fox.
35) John Sterling reads from A Tale of Two Cities.
36) A spirited Q & A between Elin Nordegren and Tiger Woods’ floozies moderated by Jerry Springer.
37) Larry King gets his annual colonoscopy while simultaneously interviewing Ernest Borgnine.
39) Triumph The Insult Comic Dog poops all over Jay Leno.
40) The NBA slamdunk competition, featuring a bunch of guys you don’t even know. Why not? Then the NBA could cancel their All-Star Game altogether.
41) Throw a million bucks on the field and turn everyone loose.
42) Throw a bunch of interns on the field and turn Steve Phillips loose.
43) A Lenny & Squiggy Reunion/Variety Special with special guest The Big Ragu. “Hello Laverne!” Lenny and Squiggy are Milwaukee legends. Just ask our own Wisconsin Walt.
44) Field Goal Kicking Contest between a gorilla, a mule, and Nate Kaeding.
45) Fans are invited to go streaking.
46) Short Matt interviews the new NFL Hall of Fame class and asks them nothing but baseball questions.
47) Rip Torn, a bottle of booze, and a microphone.
48) Mud Wrestling: Angry Ward vs. the same girls Dewey Oxberger faced off against in Stripes.
49) 100-yard dash showdown between Rex Ryan and rickety Maytag washing machine.
50) Randy Levine’s A Very Hot Tub Halftime.
The NFL brass politely thanked us for our thoughtful presentation, but it turns out that they already have a hot new band named Journey booked for next year. Oh well, we tried. See you next week.
Tall Matt, tomorrow.
