IN THE EYE, IRENE – Another trip to Pittsburgh shot to hell and in the rear view mirror. Thanks, Irene. The car ride back to NY requires passing by the picturesque murky waters of the Susquehanna River, along which in the distance is home of the nuclear plant, Three Mile Island, near Harrisburgh, Pennsylvania. There was an infamous radiation leak disaster there – for those of you who didn’t just do a current events article on that reactor’s leak, for fifth grade Social Studies. How bad can radiation be if it fights cancer cells, anyway? There were some other import leaks, however… I’ll address some of the more memorable ones… in sports, that is.
The Mitchell Report: The most famous leak in sports history that continues to this day, thanks to Roger Clemens’ sh!t oozing from his mouth, is the original MLB investigative manifesto concerning steroid use by its players. The Mitchell Report had everybody and their mother’s name listed. While arguments and conspiracy theories exist on how this so called “sealed” information became public, media consumed itself with the A-listers to fulfill their employment obligations. Furthermore, attention was given in the home markets of lesser named users. Do you think anybody in Kansas City cared whether or not Paul LoDuca was mentioned in the report?
Manny Ramirez: Apparently Manny was being Manny during the seventh inning stretch of a home game versus Tampa Bay. The slugger disappeared while playing in front of the Green Monster only to return a pitch later after relieving himself behind the Green Monster. I never memorized the color wheel but I do know this: yellow + green (where the sun never shines) = stench.
Jack “Hacksaw” Reynolds: Hey, if you’re going to do something correctly, do it on the world’s biggest stage. That’s exactly what this San Francisco 49er linebacker did during Super Bowl XVI versus the Bengals. Not long after assisting in the game’s famous goal-line stand, “Hacksaw” took out his first down “chain” and unceremoniously peed indoors on the Pontiac Silverdome carpet proving that not all animals can be house-broken.
Nick Brophy (Left Wing, Hyannisport Presidents, Federal Hockey League): Huh?!? Okay, so I’m borrowing this one from the greatest movie in cinematic history, Slapshot. Leave it to high-scoring p*ssy (aren’t they all) Ned Braden to check Brophy into the boards after the President declares he’s sh!tfaced. This movie was loosely based upon the exploits of a true minor league hockey team so I guess this scene just has to be true.
Robert Vietze: Formerly of the U.S.A. Ski Team, the most recent offender didn’t leak information or water a wall, carpet, or his own uniform. This eighteen year-old urinated on an eleven year-old girl sleeping aboard the same JetBlue flight. Two weeks ago as the story has it, Vietze was drunk and thought he had made it to the bathroom and went on the little girl. How this spoiled Vermont native who attended a $42k per year high school/Ski Academy was able to deplane in one piece with no visible signs of physical harm is beyond me. If the victim were my daughter the next leak Mr. Vietze took would be through catheterization.
West Coast Craig, tomorrow!
P.S… EMERGENCY IRENE REPORT!