FANTASIA – You probably don’t realize it, but your fantasy football pool really sucks. I’m not saying this because I’m some sour grape-purist who thinks fantasy football is a nerdy distraction that “real fans” don’t waste their time on. To the contrary, I quite enjoy my fantasy football pool. Rather, I’m telling you that your pool probably sucks because it probably does. Yours. Not mine. Let me explain:
Except for some very minor variations, almost all fantasy football pools are basically the same. This sound familiar?
- Draft your team about this time of year
- Few if any keepers
- Sort the teams into divisions
- Get a randomized schedule of head-to-head weekly match-ups
- Earn points 6 pts/TD, plus bonuses for game yardage
- Have playoffs for the winners, probably weeks 14-16
- Crown a champion week 16, do nothing week 17
Sounds a lot like your pool right? Well I’ve got news for you. That’s shite. And you’re a chump to settle for this boring, standardized tripe. Now let me tell you how a pool should work.
Believe me, I know whereof I speak. I’ve been in the same pool since 1986. We’re about to start our 26th consecutive year. We began with four people, added others one at a time, currently have eight. No one has ever left this pool or even considered it because it’s friggin’ amazing. Far superior to the bland crap you play. Behold:
- Scoring is not based on points, it’s based on money. Real money. Grow up!
- No contrived head-to-head nonsense. It’s a horse race, competing against everyone from start to finish.
- The money you earn is based primarily on TD+distance of the scoring play.
- In other words, the longer the TD, the more money you make.
- Eg. TD = $1 + .10 cents/yard on the scoring play. Cut it in half for FGs.
- 1 yard TD = $1.10. An 80 yard TD = $9.00. All TDs are NOT created equal.
- We play all 17 weeks. Every week counts, Mofo!
- At the end we pay off to each other based on differential of total earnings.
- So, Last place pays First place, 7th pays 2nd, 6th pays 3rd, 5th pays 4th.
- Pure keeper league. Keep your entire team. All of it. Work hard to improve it.
- No waiver wire. Butch up. Be a man.
- Draft only un-owned players to replace your reitrees and scrubs.
Let me now explain all the ways this system is better than your boring, predictable garbage:
- Earning money is much more exciting than meaningless, make-believe points.
- Every single week matters for everyone. People not doing well can’t afford to disappear because they would end up losing even more money.
- BIG PLAYS! You know, the stuff that you actually like about football. That’s what you’re rooting for. Some 8 yard reception the flats? Who gives shit?
- Your player rips off an 80 yard bomb, the feeling is pure extacy.
- I can’t even begin to describe the the beautiful schadenfreude of someone else’s player gets dragged down at the 1.
- No Defenses. Why bother? Though you could if you wanted.
- It doesn’t matter how many teams are in the league, so only have the people you want, instead of in-laws and some dude’s co-worker.
- In other words, this is for doing with your friends instead of a lame way to make new ones.
- Pure keeper league means you’re more invested. You really care about to your team.
- The draft is just 7 rounds. Only takes about an hour. Important and tense, but short and sweet.
- More turkey talk and actual trades (including current and future draft picks) equals more fun.
- You can trade during the off season or any other time you want. It’s a party without end!
- Free to ignore talking head FF geeks. Simply not a part of my world.
- You can be a real man in a real pool instead of a chump.
In the end, it’s really quite simple. You’ve wasted your life up until now. Stop being a loser. Get on board. My pool’s not breaking up until we die. Yours can be that good too.
Tomorrow, a man who’s won twice as championships in my pool than I have, Cheesy Bruin. In the meantime, check out my blog.
