Take That, Fantasy Football!

FANTASIA – You probably don’t realize it, but your fantasy football pool really sucks. I’m not saying this because I’m some sour grape-purist who thinks fantasy football is a nerdy distraction that “real fans” don’t waste their time on. To the contrary, I quite enjoy my fantasy football pool.  Rather, I’m telling you that your pool probably sucks because it probably does. Yours. Not mine. Let me explain:

Except for some very minor variations, almost all fantasy football pools are basically the same.  This sound familiar?

  • Draft your team about this time of year
  • Few if any keepers
  • Sort the teams into divisions
  • Get a randomized schedule of head-to-head weekly match-ups
  • Earn points 6 pts/TD, plus bonuses for game yardage
  • Have playoffs for the winners, probably weeks 14-16
  • Crown a champion week 16, do nothing week 17
Don't be a loser

Sounds a lot like your pool right? Well I’ve got news for you. That’s shite. And you’re a chump to settle for this boring, standardized tripe. Now let me tell you how a pool should work.

Believe me, I know whereof I speak. I’ve been in the same pool since 1986. We’re about to start our 26th consecutive year. We began with four people, added others one at a time, currently have eight. No one has ever left this pool or even considered it because it’s friggin’ amazing. Far superior to the bland crap you play. Behold:

  • Scoring is not based on points, it’s based on money. Real money. Grow up!
  • No contrived head-to-head nonsense. It’s a horse race, competing against everyone from start to finish.
  • The money you earn is based primarily on TD+distance of the scoring play.
  • In other words, the longer the TD, the more money you make.
  • Eg. TD = $1 + .10 cents/yard on the scoring play. Cut it in half for FGs.
  • 1 yard TD = $1.10. An 80 yard TD = $9.00. All TDs are NOT created equal.
  • We play all 17 weeks. Every week counts, Mofo!
  • At the end we pay off to each other based on differential of total earnings.
  • So, Last place pays First place, 7th pays 2nd, 6th pays 3rd, 5th pays 4th.
  • Pure keeper league.  Keep your entire team. All of it. Work hard to improve it.
  • No waiver wire.  Butch up.  Be a man.
  • Draft only un-owned players to replace your reitrees and scrubs.

Let me now explain all the ways this system is better than your boring, predictable garbage:

  • Earning money is much more exciting than meaningless, make-believe points.
  • Every single week matters for everyone. People not doing well can’t afford to disappear because they would end up losing even more money.
  • BIG PLAYS! You know, the stuff that you actually like about football. That’s what you’re rooting for. Some 8 yard reception the flats? Who gives shit?
  • Your player rips off an 80 yard bomb, the feeling is pure extacy.
  • I can’t even begin to describe the the beautiful schadenfreude of someone else’s player gets dragged down at the 1.
  • No Defenses. Why bother? Though you could if you wanted.
  • It doesn’t matter how many teams are in the league, so only have the people you want, instead of in-laws and some dude’s co-worker.
  • In other words, this is for doing with your friends instead of a lame way to make new ones.
  • Pure keeper league means you’re more invested. You really care about  to your team.
  • The draft is just 7 rounds.  Only takes about an hour. Important and tense, but short and sweet.
  • More turkey talk and actual trades (including current and future draft picks) equals more fun.
  • You can trade during the off season or any other time you want. It’s a party without end!
  • Free to ignore talking head FF geeks. Simply not a part of my world.
  • You can be a real man in a real pool instead of a chump.

In the end, it’s really quite simple.  You’ve wasted your life up until now. Stop being a loser. Get on board. My pool’s not breaking up until we die. Yours can be that good too.

Tomorrow, a man who’s won twice as championships in my pool than I have, Cheesy Bruin. In the meantime, check out my blog.


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About The Public Professor 79 Articles
Mattville's George Plimpton, The Public Professor, is indeed a real, honest-to-goodness, legitimate professor at a major Maryland university. But because he doesn't have a cell phone or cable, he's crazy enough to be with us. A member of Angry Ward's Urban Spur Posse, the terrorized Bronx graffiti artist's by correcting their grammar. His loves? The Yankees, Knicks, NY Rangers and the Pittsburgh Steelers. He also has a real website: ThePublicProfessor.com (https://www.thepublicprofessor.com/).