NEW YORK, NY – This Thursday is the 85th Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. It’s a day when thousands of kids line up to watch some of their favorite characters get escorted down Broadway by teams of enthusiastic volunteers. These over-sized balloons have been known to kill a parade goer or two from time to time (watch out for falling street lamps) but for the most part it is good, wholesome fun. This year Macy’s is going to allow some sports figures to replace the balloons for portions of the parade. Here are a few of this year’s stand-ins.
Aflac Duck: Played by Jose Reyes, who is trying to convince teams of the rewards of insurance. This way a team can pay him the big money he wants but hedge their bets by buying Aflac supplemental insurance. Yogi Berra is his agent who double-talks Jeffrey Loria into giving Jose a 30-year $300 million contract. “At $10 million a year you can’t afford not to sign him.” explains Yogi.
Julius The Sock Monkey: Played by Julius Peppers, who is going to parade down Broadway wearing only a sock. I hear it is a size 10-13 sock. Unlike most balloon floats, you must be 18 or over if you want to come the night before to witness volunteers blowing this one.
Buzz Lightyear: Played by Jason Bay because anytime he shows up in New York, you know it is going to be a light-year in the batting department.
Clumsy Smurf: Played by Plaxico Burress who accidentally shoots the Pikachu float in the leg causing an all out Asian gang war. In retaliation, the Hello Kitty float calls Smurfette a “Bitch-ass-ho who can’t control her baby daddy!” and proceeds to smack her upside her face.
Diary of A Wimpy Kid: Played by Jay Cutler, who broke his thumb in week 11. Cutler is now trying to turn the table on his critics by coming back for the playoffs after only six weeks recovery time. If he was able to stay engaged to Kristin Cavallari for six excruciating weeks while she introduced him to all her Laguna Beach co-stars, then I’m sure he’ll be able to handle this rehab.
Kung Fu Panda: Played by Pablo Sandoval, who is actually bigger in real life than the balloon float he is replacing. The team of 15 rope holders can’t hold on to him and he floats across the Hudson River and explodes into a ball of flames over a landing field in Lakehurst, NJ. Oh, the humanity.
Pillsbury Doughboy: Played by Rex Ryan, who is trying to earn a few extra bucks on the side to pay off his $75,ooo fine for cursing out a fan. Roger Goodell has warned Rex that he will start fining him by the pound for his next infraction. Showing he has learned nothing, Rex is overheard cursing out some 10 year-old Pats fan, who mistakes him for the Bob’s Big Boy float.
Stay tuned tomorrow for Angry Ward, a man who makes the big dough, boy.