Martin Scorsese Recaps NFL Weekend For Us

"A Boy Named Suh"

MEAN STREETS – Last week I found some late inspiration in Woody Allen’s films, so I thought I’d go to the well again today with my favorite director, Martin Scorsese. Inspired by seeing Hugo over the weekend – if you’re a film geek like me, you’ll love it – I thought I’d take a look at the weekend’s sports action through a different pair of thick black-framed glasses (and bushy black eyebrows).

IT’S NOT JUST YOU MURRAY:  One of Scorsese’s earliest shorts was about the Dallas Cowboys angrily insisting that despite Romo’s brain farts and the defense’s shoddy secondary, their winning four of the last five and vaulting to the top of the NFC East isn’t just because they struck gold in DeMarco Murray when Felix Jones went down.

BAD: This music video featured Syracuse assistant coach Bernie Fine playing Michael Jackson in a very disturbing way.

THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST:  In this controversial film, up-on-the-cross Jesus fantasizes about being a quarterback somehow finding a way week after week, despite a nation’s mocking, to engineer game-winning drives and improbably leading the Cookie’s Denver Broncos towards the playoffs.

BRINGING OUT THE DEAD:  When all the living QBs have been struck down, the Houston Texans start turning to zombies to try and game-manage their way into the post-season.  YA Tittle, Johnny Unitas, and Brett Favre are rumored to be in contention for the job.

TAXI DRIVER:  Wanting a big snow to come and wash away all the scum from Green Bay’s streets, 36-year old Donald Driver looks at the camera and says “Are you throwing to me?  You throwing to me?  No?  Well, can you please throw to me too once in awhile?

RAGING BULL:  The story of Lions’ defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh, whose talent is overshadowed (or perhaps driven?) by his anger, alienating everyone around him and eventually isolating him in a tiny cell, or a two-game suspension.  After throwing defenseless QBs to the ground, or ripping Jay Cutler’s helmet off, or stomping on downed opponents after the whistle, the only thing Suh hasn’t done is smash a cheerleader on the sideline.  One day he’ll find peace with himself, and have a one man nightclub act. P.s… He actually Tweeted that picture of himself wearing the Michael Jackson glove.

THE KING OF COMEDY:  Does anybody here watch Bob Costas’ editorial musings at halftime of the Sunday Night game?  Cranky and curmudgeonly, it seems like he’s bucking for a different Sunday night gig… replacing Andy Rooney.  Look at last night’s transcript and read it in an Andy Rooney voice and you’ll see how much it fits.  The last line is pure Rooney:  “By the way, late in the loss to the Jets, Johnson dropped a pass that could have led to a Buffalo win. Shockingly, he didn’t follow it with a rehearsed “my bad” dance of apology. Maybe he just forgot.”  Tick tick tick tick tick tick.

NEW YORK, NEW YORK:  Speaking of that Stevie “Styles” Johnson play, yesterday’s Jets-Bills game was an all New York affair, a close but less than scintillating game that ended in a much needed win by the Jets and a continuing spiral downward by the Bills, who are quickly becoming The Departed this year.  Johnson looks the fool now, but for most of the game he made Revis Island look more like Gilligan’s Island than Shutter Island.  Tonight, the third of the Gangs of New York, the Giants, will try and knock down The Aviator in Drew Brees.

And tomorrow, our resident GoodFella, Grote2DMax will get us in through the back of The Copa in one long continuous shot.

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About West Coast Craig 226 Articles
West Coast Craig reports from Hollywood with an endearingly laid back style. A happily married father of two little boys, WCC has an avocado tree in his yard, plays the hot corner in a "Valley" hardball league and always manages to take cool sports-related mini road-trips, often with his immediate clan. He hails from Oneonta, NY but has been "So very L.A." for twenty years, so his sports teams are the Yankees AND the Dodgers, the Pittsburgh Steelers, the L.A. Lakers and the Colorado Avalanche/Quebec Nordiques. WCC loves bacon-wrapped hotdogs and can touch his heel and his ear... with his hand.