ASS CRACK, PA – Tomorrow it will be Christmas Eve. Plenty of Eye-talians (I’m lookin’ at you vinny from brooklyn) will be gearing up for a traditional fest of eleventy-bajillion fishes, shelfish and the like. I, on the other hand, will be driving three hours EACH WAY (if I luck out with no traffic) to the ass crack of Pennsylvania (or Pennsyltucky as I like to call it) to feast on a fish casserole, topped with orange Kraft American Cheese Singles and pierogies with mealy, lumpy potato innards. The ONLY saving grace is the sauerkraut & mushroom pierogies – along with my own chocolate chip cookies. They keep me from STARVING.
Anyway… the MAIN thing I’d like for the holidays is NOT having to drive six + hours round-trip with two kids in tow to my mother-in-law’s, where she and Ciocia (“The Aunt” – as I like to call her), will tell me that I’m “too skinny” and I should eat more. And THOSE are the NICE things they’ll say to me. So, it only makes sense that since I’m not getting what I REALLY want for the holidays, that I air out the list of other things I’d REALLY, REALLY like:
Ryan Rash: I’d really love to get rid of this RYAN RASH. And by that I mean, the views of Rex and Rob Ryan on this site. Really, MTM IT Staff, do we NEED to put Rex Ryan’s head on an even FATTER body? And who the H–E–Double Hockey Sticks dug up that picture of those Ryan beached whales?!? Lori puts her rack up there every week…and THAT’s the site eye-candy we get in return?!?! I say, “BOO, Sir. A RESOUNDING BOO!”
Charles Barkley As Weight Watchers for MenSpokesperson: No comment needed. This story will write itself. I promise.
Kris Humphries Stories: He played the Kim Kardashian ass like Ricky played “Babalu!” on the bongos long enough to see some NBA play. Good for him. Can we move on now?
Tea with Tebow: Someone please stop interviewing him about that abysmal loss last week, get him to Bible studies and more importantly, get him to study the playbook for his next game. It’s ALL we need. That, some Holy Waterand a lot less turnovers. Thanks.
The Shannon Sharp Translator 6000: Really, it’s the most innovative and groundbreaking piece of technology since Rock ‘Em, Sock ‘Em Robots. Rumor has it Angry Ward has the original and ONLY existing hard copy dictionary of the electronic code -after all, Angry Ward is a real pen and paper guy. I want one of these… BAD.
Double L’s Please: If I HAD to guess – feel free to discuss amongst yourselves – I’d say Lori Levine’s ‘girls’ are WAAAAAAYYY beyond double-D’s. I’d peg them at that glorious and mythical ‘beyond D’ land. Maybe Double L’s? Whatever they are…I’d like those, but kinda on loan. You know…fer fun when I want ’em, and NOT there getting in the way of things when I’m in aero on my tri bike.
Speaking of tri-bikes…I’d really like a pair of Zipp wheels for racing. 404 up front, 808 in the back and don’t forget the PowerTap so I can measure and boast to the boys about my wattage. And if you have no idea what any of THAT means, look it up or, as per usual, call the ringleader, Tall Matt and take this topic to blue.
A Solid Starting Rotation: That’s right. You heard me Brian Cashman. But if all else fails, at least the Yanks will again have much better nut cracking ability than the guy to the right.
Ho-ho-ho people. And at the top of my list for NEXT year, I’d like an autographed copy of the DVD “A Very Blaber Christmas.” Have a great one. And give a holiday looksie tomorrow for a guy who LOVES his nuts cracked…The Public Professor.