*Rex O’Rourke wrote for 2+ years before passing the Sunday Pen to Cheesy Bruin. Korak is the Gorilla that played in the NFL, as per West Coast Craig.
North Pole – Santa Clause cursed loudly as he loaded another candy cane shell into a giant cinnamon stick cannon and blasted it skyward…at the enormous flying saucer spinning overhead, it’s giant lasers blasting steaming holes in the snowy dunes around the Christmas Village. Elves were running frantically about, Santa couldn’t count on them, so he turned to the two new arrivals at his home this year…
Rex O’Rourke and his good pal Korak The Gorilla were ready to help. Under cover of roasted chestnuts spit-fired across the sky, Rex and Korak hopped aboard two reindeer and took off towards the alien craft, a specially packed toy bag full of 30 megaton explosive presents between them. They aimed for the exhaust port, which loomed through the maze of laser rounds above them…but with Santa’s magic dust, the same he inhales before zooming up tight chimneys, Rex and Korak had a way through. They placed a little alongside their noses to give a little wiggle…but a stray laser round clipped the bag and blew them both to pieces across the sky as Santa roared in horror below.
The Great Beyond. Rex O’Rourke and Korak wandered the misty open plains of Heaven, adorned in white robes nicely tailored for their fairly different physiques. Eventually they came upon a door, and on the other side there was a canyon of various sized monitors floating in layers two hundred stories high. Korak signed something and Rex, fighting vertigo while looking up, said “You’re right, just like the Vegas Hilton Superbook. Korak my friend, I believe we’ve stumbled into God’s own Man Cave.” Just then, a voice rang out: “Hello, gentlemen. I prefer to call it my Deity Cave.” From the mists around the lower images stepped a familiar old man. “George Burns?” Rex asked.
George Burns God: I took on this form because you loved Oh, God when you were a kid. Here I can keep an eye on everything…though my boy Tebow is on right now, so I’d like to watch some of that. I really like that guy, I like to help him win whenever I can.
Rex: What, really? Don’t you have to stay impartial?
George Burns God: Have you seen this guy? Look at the girl he’s got. Oh man, while I was talking to you he just fumbled the ball away again and the Broncos are too far behind now. Oh well, I’ll just help the Raiders lose. I’ll just reach down here… (he pokes his finger into one of the images) and touch Calvin Johnson.
Walking by at the end of the hall, Al Davis looked up and groaned. Korak hand-signed frantically, but Rex shakes him off.
George Burns God: Oh, that… I’m afraid there’s nothing I can do about that. I made those aliens too, and frankly they pray to me a lot. Lots of bowing and praising every time they conquer a planet. I don’t feel right taking sides here.
Rex: But it’s Christmas, isn’t that a big day for you?
George Burns God: I don’t pay much attention to your holidays, to tell you the truth. Your idea of time is all wrong. See, right now I’m going to help Green Bay lose, and technically that happened in the early games.
Rex: So you can step in and wreck the Packers’ perfect season, but you can’t protect Christmas?
George Burns God: Well, I have a deal with the ’72 Dolphins that I can’t discuss with you, so you’ll have to just cough it up to My Plan…but I see your point. Okay, I’ll help you guys out, but I’m afraid My Plan also needs you to be right here for just another few seconds, starting…now.
At the end of the opposite hall, Kim Jung Ill appeared, looked around through giant eye glasses, and started screaming his head off.
George Burns God: Korak, if you would…
Korak charges down the row bounding on all fours, his robe shredding off his bristling muscles and with a mighty roar he swung a giant fist and smashed the strange little man forty yards through the air, disappearing in the mist in front of an image of fire. Korak and Rex turned and looked back…but they were enveloped in light. When they could see again, they found themselves back in the sky aboard their reindeer, coming through right in front of the exhaust port. The explosion that lit up the sky was reported as unusual auorora borealis activity. The next week Christmas came once again, just as it always does…and Rex and Korak find a couple of unexpected gifts under the tree. White custom-tailored robes.
Grote2DMax, who has saved many a holiday himself, with Grote’s Gripes tomorrow.