INWOOD, LONG ISLAND – Since I’m sometimes referred to as the Chuck of Happy Days here, part of me always wants to feel bad for the half-wit siblings of celebrities. Less funny, less talented, less driven, much uglier and less intelligent. No, less is not more for these lemons. Some of these sycophantic siblings, thankfully, fade from memory: Billy Carter, Roger Clinton, Chris Jagger, Alex Van Halen… the list is endless. And we can easily find the also-ran “athlete” brothers that we can’t help but compare with their more famous sibling. But how about comparing the have we ever compared the show-biz loser brother with a sport athletic brother?
For many observers of the perverse the bar is set at Clint Howard whose mug even a mother couldn’t love. When the pinnacle of your career was playing a grotesque man-child in an episode of Star Trek you count your blessings for a younger brother named Ron, who casts you in 17 movies.
Now Ron Howard is not exactly George Clooney in the looks department, the same way you might say Hank Aaron is not in the Denzel Washington looks department. But what about Tommie Aaron? While big brother Hank was amassing 755 dingers, Tommie sat stuck on the predictable lifetime home run count of 13. That’s one homely sucker, to boot.
In the “Who Even Knew?” category there is Omar Gooding. Nobody done show Omar da money as of yet as he struggles in the shadows of Cuba Jr. The resume’s highlight is Hangin’ with Mister Cooper.
Brent Gretzky amassed 1 goal in an otherwise stellar hockey career. He and his brother Wayne are the highest scoring pair of brothers in NHL history.
Jerry Van Dyke might have been a small sensation on the Craig T. Nelson sitcom Coach, but what is indisputable is that he was no Dick.
Speaking of Dicks and Dykes, Billy Jean King might have not been born with the former, but she certainly grew one – and a big pair too – as she took on all comers, female or male. Meanwhile, her brother Randy Moffitt threw the ball like a p*ssy in a San Francisco Giants uniform.
Jim Belushi’s career spans over 3 decades and yet still can’t hold a candle to John, whose flame burned in bright in 6 short years. The fact that he dons a Blues Brothers get-up just makes my blood boil.
Reggie Lewis was destined to carry the Boston Celtic torch until hypertrophic cardiomyopathy cut his life short. His good for nothing brother Ray is a murdering thug who never seems to know when to hang up his cleats for the Ravens. The guy was born an also-ran. What??? No? Maybe I’m thinking of Shari.
Things get back to normal, with favorite son, Different Matt, tomorrow. Please buy some airline tickets and wine.