Sports Oscars: Lawyers, Dummies & Money

Cheesy Bruin Oscar

HOLLYWOOD, CA – With The Oscars on tap for this evening and as we all feel the pinch at the gas pump with a gallon soaring to the price of a h@nd job, the average John Joe is reminded of the financial ramifications. In New York, there are some great new Supporting Actors who remind me of the all-time money-grabbing picture, The Recession. And the nominees are…

Jeremy Lin: This whole phenomenon surrounding the Asian sensation even got me to watch a few Knicks’ games. Coming away less than impressed with Jimmy Dolan’s new cash cow, it’s easier to, and I hate to use the word here but I will anyway, ‘sneak’ up on an opponent until teams go to school on Jerry West’s replacement as the NBA’s human logo. President’s Day and Lin’s timing coincide with the Lin-“can” penny being minted to replace Honest Abe’s puss since the latter is the only repeat president on money. More importantly, as soon as this Lin fad goes away we’ll be treating his one cent piece with the same irrelevance as Lincoln’s in the “give or take a penny” tray.

J.R. Smith: Coming as little surprise is the reported big $1 million fine levied by the overseas team which the newest Knick played. Talk about bad luck. Big Trouble In Little China comes back to the States and signs with NY, where he’ll have to spend lots of time with his new buddy, Jeremy Lin. Damn, I’d love to hear Smith’s subconscious relative to Lin and his fellow Asians, dropping them F-bombs like he does three-pointers. To J.R.’s credit, he had enough dough to buy a pet panda who he named, Brad Garrett. If you’re talking about a Garrett, go with Wade (played by Sam Elliott) from the movie Roadhouse.

J.R. Smith's sister bonds with Chinese fans.

David Wright: The New York Met third baseman has hit Port St. Lucie with the rest of his mates for Spring Training as his contract says this is his “walk year”—meaning this is the last year of his current deal. When we’re talking about the Mets, the last season of anybody’s deal is called a “run year” because who in their right mind doesn’t desire to get outta Flushing as fast as they humanly can? Not even E*Trade’s proposal to hire Wright as pitchman for their ad campaign promoting multiple transactions for one low price called “E5*Trade” can convince the third baseman to re-up with Los(s) Mets.

Brian Cashman: Member of the New York Yankees ‘braintrust’ who is apparently short on smarts and long on deception after his man-about-town behavior is proof that no matter how f#*!ed up we think our lives are somebody always has it worse. A $4 million mansion and other assets will be split however his wife and her lawyer want it to be. Throw in alimony and other expenses and this guy just might be ahead of Short Matt on the yellow cheese line. After the ex finishes money-balling Cashman, a surname change is in Brian’s future if he can afford to have it legally changed by then.

West Coast Craig, tomorrow, aboard the Pork Chop Express.

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About Cheesy Bruin 491 Articles
A man amongst men. Cheesy Bruin kicked cancer to the curb - twice. The Cheese Man's a big, tough teddy-bear who survived the Bronx despite being an unabashed Boston Bruins fan and Sargent-At-Arms for Angry Ward's Urban Spur Posse. Nuff said. Doctors have taken most of this throat and had to make him a new tongue from thigh-meat (his own) and still he won't shut up about the Bruins, Cowboys, Pirates and Cleveland Cavaliers. And yes, his kids do love him.