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Sittin’ Back in My Rose Pink Cadillac- Today’s gonna be a big sports day from start to finish. It’s the first Saturday in May, and you’re getting more than you bargained for.
It all begins with a big race. No, not that race. I’m talking about the 14th annual Baltimore Kinetic Sculpture Race. What’s that, you ask? A bunch of badass Baltimoreans building crazy ass scupltures that move, and then racing them around the harbor in an amphibious event where the failures are as magnificent as the victories. I don’t have an early line, but am waiting to see if last year’s winner, Platypus, makes a glorious return. Either way, I’ll be there.
Afterwards there is, of course, a full slate of baseball. And it’s not just any old set of games. It’s the dawning of a new era. For the first time since they used to suck back in the early 1990s, the Yankees will be without The Hammer of God, a.k.a. Mariano Rivera. That blown ACL he suffered while shagging flies in Kansas Cityprobably spells the end of Mo. Now we’ll see just how important he really was (or wasn’t). It should be interesting because he’s clearly the best closer of all time and the Yankees don’t have a replacement that comes anywhere close. Is this still a 95-win team without him. We’ll find out.
6:24 PM is post time for the 138th running of the Kentucky Derby. I’m not up on it this year, but I spoke to The Knish, and he thinks that I’ll Have Another has a legitimate shot to overcome his awful gate: he’s breaking from the 19th position in a field of 21. What’s more, The Knish is exercising his faith by going across the board on that nag. But if you’re uncomfortable betting a horse that has a starting gate on the Indiana side of the Ohio River, than he recommends the following alternatives:
DADDY NOSE BEST
I don’t know shinola about these horses, but Daddy Nose Best is probably a coke fiend, which sounds pretty promising.
After the race, it’s time to hunker down for the fight of the year thus far. And again, you need to stop jumping to conclusions. I’m not talking about some homoerotic Male on Male Action (MMA), where half-naked, cauliflower-eared goons wrap their legs around each other’s heads and squeeze their crotches into their opponents’ faces as hard as they can. I’m talking about the Sweet Science.
I know, boxing ain’t what it used to be, and probably never will be again. So you can either jump ship or take what you can get. Tonight you can get Miguel Cotto vs. Floyd Mayweather.
Does anyone still like Mayweather? I didn’t think so. He’s dodged Manny Pacquiao for so long, that if they ever do get it together, it’ll hardly matter. Just a couple of old men pawing at each other.
Mayweather’s showing the first sign of wrinkles, which gives me a slim hope that Cotto can deck the little bugger. Speaking of wrinkles, also note the under card of “Sugar” Shane Mosely vs. Canelo Alvarez. Mosley shoulda retired years ago. Years. And Alvarez is an undefeated bomber. But he’s also a bit of a doofy white guy, so maybe the old warrior can have one last stab at glory.
Finally, it’s also Cinco de Mayo, which building upon St. Patrick’s Day, continues Americans’ noble tradition of making a mockery out of someone else’s ethnicity and using it as an excuse to get blitzed.
Cheesy Bruin lights you up tomorrow, so check back here.