IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SUN – Today’s forecast for Baltimore is a high 109 degrees. You heard that right.
One-hundred and nine degrees Fahrenheit. The low is only 87.
I don’t an an air conditioner either. So, professorial bad ass that I am, I’m just gonna go out and deal with it. Take the bull by the horns and whatnot. Crazy from the heat, here are some sporting activities that I’m considering.
Streaking: It’s high time we brought back this venerable 1970s pas time. I think I’ll hook it up with nothing but some pumas and tube socks, and then head out to the streets, waving a small American flag leftover from some neighbor’s 4th of July lawn decorations. In my mind’s soundtrack, Walter Murphy’s “A Fifth of Beethoven” will be playing as I gallantly stride down the main public thoroughfare. In reality, all that will be heard is the silent gasp of disbelieving observers and the occasional car horn of support from bemused cab drivers.
Fire Hydrant Spray: I’m going to prance with the kiddies on a street corner inundated with filthy hydrant water, letting the full force of its jet stream blow me into the gutter where I belong.
Lawn Darts: But not on a lawn. In the street, where stray tosses can plunge through car windshields. Why? Why not, it’s 109.
Monkey Wrestling: I go toe-to-toe with a series of monkey challengers in a ring we set up in the backyard. These are not chimps. Chimps would rip my face off, whereas cute little monkeys will merely kick my ass. And make no mistake, these monkeys will kick my ass.
Okay, that’s only half the length of a typical article, but screw it. I’m hot. And naked. And being abused by monkeys. I leave you now with Walter Murphy… or at least a quarter of Cheesy Bruin tomorrow.