Grote’s Gripes: (Larry) King of The Olympics

LONDON, UK – Hey gang it’s Larry King back pinch hitting for my buddy Grote2DMax again.  I’m over in London for The Olympics and figured it was about time to file a long overdue report back to all of my fans on Meet The Matts.  One of the perks for trading my show to Piers Morgan is that I got full use of his flat in London whenever I want, though I feel my phone conversations are being tapped.  Oh well, that is the price of dealing with the pompous Brits.

Be sure to check out my new talk show on Hulu, which debuted last month.  That’s right boys and girls, I’m back behind the mic.  In the meantime, enjoy my take on the recent happenings in the sports world:

It was great to see Andy Murray finally win something at Wimbledon this past Sunday when he defeated a class act in Roger Federer three sets to love.  But truthfully winning the Olympic gold medal in tennis at Wimbledon is akin winning the Mayor’s Trophy Game in baseball.  Sure the Mets got Ed Koch’s 1978 trophy but the Yankees already were World Champions…Speaking of playing at Wimbledon, maybe I’m old-fashioned but I didn’t like that the players were allowed to wear colors other than white.  Stella McCartney should stick to dressing the trollops on the Kings Road in London instead of tennis players at Wimbledon.   She had poor Andy looking like my dyke kid sister, Billie Jean King…It’s a good thing I’m writing this column because I”ve been drinking so much Pimms No. 1 here that I’m beginning to talk like Ralph Kiner…

I’m rooting for my buddy Tiger Woods to win the PGA Championships later this week but I don’t see it happening.  His recent driving has been about as straight as Jennifer Lopez’s latest boyfriend Casper Smart.  Let’s just say they won’t be serving Casper at Chick-Fil-A anytime soon…Hey J Lo, looking to shore-up your love life with one of your backup dancers is like the Seattle Mariners looking to shore-up their pitching staff with Oliver Perez.  My guess is that Casper is a pitcher, not a catcher, who fooled her with a few backdoor sliders…What’s with South African runners and the Olympics?  Back in the 80’s, Zola Budd was allowed to run with no shoes and now Oscar Pistorius is allowed to run with no legs.  Olympic officials were privately nervous that Oscar would be too scared to run on the big stage but I assured them there was absolutely no chance of him getting cold feet…

Last night I heard Justin Verlander threw more than 130 pitches in beating the Yankees.  The Tigers better be careful his arm doesn’t fall off before the playoffs.  Last week I heard Verlander was dating Kate Upton.  The Tigers better be careful his [Randy] Johnson doesn’t fall off before the playoffs.  I’m sure his backdoor slider is being perfected in between starts…

That’s all for now kids.  Stay tuned tomorrow for Sir Angry Ward.